On the Borderline - Life With BPD

Life is strangely stressful and hectic for a vacation.

Started taking Adderall XR today. Will write about it later.

Don't forget about me til then!



Eden.

Eden has disappeared. She'll be back one day. Probably.    : )


++EDIT: I am indeed here! XD; Thanks baby.

My beloved brand-new Mac hiccuped the other day; the screen brightness is now permanently off and Apple won't help me unless I pay monies... augh! N, a friend of mine and my past roommate E's boyfriend, said I prolly need to get the screen replaced. It's been hard to be internet-addicted and I've gotten a ton of stuff done, but I miss Fuu-chan!

I miss Micchan's bigger screen though. :x I admit it.

E is going to get a storage unit tomorrow, and she and N are going to help me move things in, probably Tuesday after class. They drove me to get storage containers today, they're just so nice ;_;

I had a pretty big panic attack at their dorm room last night and E made me tea and N gave me a massage til I calmed down. They're just amazingly sweet people and I'm bummed beyond anything that E's leaving pretty soon, possibly even after summer but hopefully not til after fall.

See, I have a problem. I need help from people all the time. I'm very co-dependent. I can't go places alone; the day I rode a school bus by myself I was so excited and scared I nearly cried. I've only eaten by myself at the cafeteria once and that was while constantly texting Rae for support. It's bad.I've come to depend on E for a lot of things- walking to get cigarettes, even simple tasks like going to a nearby store. She's actually the one that got me started on counseling with the school; a few days after I met her as my roommate, she took me to the office and got me started on the paperwork and everything. She's really amazing and the best part is that she adored Rae too, so there's no issues with that. <3

Speaking of which, Rae supposedly got home over two hours ago. I was freaking out at first when I didn't hear from her, but she let me know that she's there about an hour ago or so. Now I'm worried she fell asleep without signing onto Skype.

Rae! Please come back!!

-sad-


Eden.

Oh man I'm totally obsessed with K-On! you guysss...

It seems Rae's comment feature isn't working. Does anyone know how to fix it?

*Fixed!*


Eden.

I have a HUGE problem with self-discipline. I always have a lot to do, but just one task can take me all day! I have ADD and I don't have access to medication for it right now. I have a big drawing due Tuesday and a lot of reading for tomorrow, as well as catching up on Art History.

I've tried schedules, energy drinks, written notes to myself, cell phone alarms... I'm a little lazy, yes, but I physically cannot get things done without Adderall. It's making me depressed and I feel worthless...

What do I do...?



Eden.

When I was fourteen, I was forced to go into therapy. It was my first time. I'd finally told my school counselor that my arms were completely covered in scars and dried blood from new wounds, that I thought I was completely crazy, and that if I didn't get help I might kill myself. Though, at the time, I thought everyone considered suicide at least once a day, but that's another story. In any case, my first therapist, and the only one I ever truly liked or was honest with, gave me a long and (holy shit expensive) psychological exam. During one of the sessions, she showed me the legendary Rorschach's Blots. Apparently there was a big controversy when someone "leaked" them to the public, but that means you, too, can look at them:
http://extraordinaryintelligence.com/1035/health/leaked-rorschach-blots-cause-controversy/
I never figured out what they were really supposed to be for. I think my therapist said they helped figure out what's in your subconscious, i.e. what you see in non-representational (which is not the same as abstract, but again, another post.) figures, but honestly, I thought it was bullshit. Still do.
So what do you see in them? [*note: I've played with the images and text for an hour and they don't line up right on the site... Sorry!!)






1. Two surviving Three Little Pigs ripping apart a person, or I suppose a wolf because that is how the story should have gone anyway. (Pigs are vicious. And cute.)










2. Two surviving Three Little Pigs kissing (touching snouts?) as they share a heart or devour the wolf's heart. Or the heart of their first brother. (Pigs are vicious.) They also have little red hats!











3. Two women over a cooking pot, presumably cooking a butterfly.Two dead bunnies hanging from their ears, which leads me to believe that is meat in the pot. As in, one or both of the little pigs. (Which were vicious.)










4. A frog. Once a prince maybe, but not a disgusting amphibian forced in between a folded piece of paper and squished. Ew.












5. Butterfly with two heads!














6. The two pigs are back. Maybe as demonic shadows of their former selves, angry with the women who killed and cooked them. Vicious!












7. Dancing bunnies! They're anthropomorphic.


















8. Two sloth-like creatures climbing up on either side of a Rorschach blot.

















9. Dragon heads on top. Magical pink creatures with cream puff heads on the bottom. In the center? Those damn pigs again. I'm totally serious here.


















10. The pigs have killed everyone and what we see are the remains of civilization. Vicious.












Of course, I didn't see all that when I saw them the first time. I gave simple answers. People. a frog. Rabbits. Butterfly."


I lied. In every blot, in every test I was given, I saw a rape that I don't even know ever happened.






Eden.

My wonderful Rae has added a facebook 'Like' button to this and to her blog. If you like us, like us!

...is not the same as looking back.

(I started writing this at around 1-2am.)

Lately I keep daydreaming about time travel. Earlier tonight I wondered, what would happen if I got stuck back in time and I couldn't get Rae to love me? Then I panicked, woke her up. She got mad and very irritated (well it IS late at night) and I was left alone to be upset. Not fun times.

My best friend, B, texted me about 20 minutes ago.
"I can't remember is X (on dA) is L or C, but she definitely wrote something about you as a deviation in her gallery."

I knew exactly who it was, and I told her.

"Ahhh... Have you see it then?"

Spooked, I went ahead and logged on and looked up the profile on deviantArt. The submission was hard to miss- it was the newest deviation in months.

Now, this girl and I have a bit of an odd history, as far as friendships go. I met her during summer classes in high school. We hung out; I was happy to meet someone about my age that I could talk to for longer than 5 minutes without wanting to strangle myself. We were friends the next year- my junior year, her a sophomore. Again, lunch buddies, fun times. I started dating a sociopath. Got engaged. We broke up. She started dating my ex pretty much around the first... 10 minutes after we broke up, if my ex is to be believed, an hour if this girl was telling the truth. According to people around her, she started getting a little obsessive. It got a bit scary for me. I was diagnosed with paranoia issues early on my freshman year. I got spooked.

I left, moved to Japan for a little over a year. She planned to go with me, and I welcomed the company. I hadn't talked to her in a while and things were fine. She started flaking on me and I was hit with bad depression. I went home. She got mad. We stopped talking for a while. All throughout high school and up until about last summer, I never kept most plans I made. Either I made plans during a manic episode and I dropped right before it was time to go, or I was low and hoped it would cheer me up but I stayed low. My family also tended to make plans last-minute and I was expected to keep them, so I would have to cancel plans with friends. In time I would try to accept invitations with a 'sure, if I'm able to go, I'll let you know ahead of time.' In the end, I never went out if I could help it. The girl and I stopped talking.

So here I am, feeling guilty and lying awake at 1:30am, wondering what I should do. What CAN I do? Is it wrong to just ignore her words, poured out in what could be a last plea for friendship?

What is there to say?

This is what she wrote:

++Author's Name Deleted For Privacy++

I love her. I realize that now. I always have, from the first day I met her. She was different back then, shyer and more confident at the same time. I stared at her as I hid behind my black clothes and silent demeanor. She defied everything I had come to know about the world. She wore gray, which is unremarkable in itself, but she surrounded herself with people, that I would hesitate to define as "goth" but outsiders would not hesitate to use such a stereotype; and she too would have fit into that category. I found it strange then, that she could wear gray, when I, and all others that I knew like us, were confined to black.

I payed her little attention after the first day, she was a leader in the club that I was in, but there were other, more obviously interesting people in the club that stole my interest from her. It is probably for the best, as I am easily obsessed, and I have no doubt that at that time she was not ready for my friendship, and I was not ready for her strange, and undeniably twisted personality.

We did not speak until much later, my first summer in high school. An entire year had passed, and we had not said a single word to each other, but during that summer we became friends. I don't remember her first words to me and I doubt very much that they were earth-shattering. That summer consisted of us sitting on the bench outside of our summer classes, during the lunch break, talking and sharing food. There was a big group, there was always a big group back then, so the two of us didn't become particularly close, or even exchange phone numbers, but the next year we ate lunch together, and I became a leader of our club as well.

My attention was again stolen from her by others. I met a boy that year that she never approved of. He was mostly harmless and I brought him into the group, but she had a very distinct distaste for him from the very beginning, and later, when he started developing feelings for me, she seemed to dislike him even more. In the end she was right, but I don't know if she knows that. I didn't speak to her about him much after she graduated, and she has never asked.

In my junior year we had a class together, and because of that my attention was almost solely on her. We became great friends, and spent much time together, in and out of school. She had a girlfriend that year; a beautiful, funny, happy snake, whom we both loved very much. When the snake cheated on her, and they broke up, I took her place by the snake's side. My sensitivity was my savior and my downfall. The snake didn't like how close we were, but when I was crying in the back of class, she still comforted me, and stood up for me when the snake tried to eat lunch with us. I don't know, can't say, what exactly happened then, but it brought us even closer than we were before.

I spent many nights at her house that year and the next, and she always chose me to sleep with at slumber parties. It was comforting, I was starved for attention and human contact, and she was the first one to give it to me freely, and frequently. It never felt sexual, but it still felt good, and at times I liked to pretend that the others thought we might have something going on, but I don't know if they ever really thought that, and it wasn't the case.

She taught me a love of tea, and cocktail onions, and raw pasta, as we sat on the roof of her house and talked about nothing. She embodies what I think of as an artist, so passionate and lost in her own little world. I love that world she showed me. It makes my own seem dull and pale in comparison, and just as I will never draw as well as her; I will never have a world quite as bright as hers.

My life has meaning for having known her, and while I am not defined by her, my life was irreversibly changed by her. I never would have thought it possible, let alone feasible, to go to Japan to live, even if it is just for a year or so, but she did, and she always talked about how she would in school. It is truly because of her that I will be able to go. I felt betrayed when she came back before I could join her, and then when she could never see me for this or that reason. I wish that we could be close again, like we were before, but I doubt very much that that will happen. I miss her, but I still wish her all the happiness in the world.

Conflicted,

Eden.

Took my last Adderall. I really wanted to save it for another few weeks but it is what it is, I suppose. 20-page paper and a 3-page paper, due Monday. Right now those are my top two priorities. Well, no, that's a lie, I ran out of cigarettes a few hours ago and Adderall makes me a chain-smoker, but that comes later.

I guess my ADD is worse than I thought. I sat in front of my laptop all day long, waking to sleeping, for the past few days and not even one sentence. It doesn't help that lately I've been hungry all the time- stress?- and I'm always tired. Always distracted.

Rae and I are really feeling the distance lately. I just don't understand why things can't work out... she had a place to live, a job. She was accepted into a college near mine. And then it's all different and she's moved back to her home state and if I'm not busy then she often is. Maybe other people get tired of Skype but we leave it running as long as we can, even if the other steps out for a while. It doesn't help that Rae's phone broke (and her laptop is deteriorating fast...). As soon as she starts at her new job (hooray!!) she can finally feel less trapped, I think- a working phone, a fixed (or new) laptop, her own place. School. I want her to meet people to hang out with. I want her to be happy.

Why can't I focus on this paper this is terrible.



Eden.

Humor??

I've been way too depressing on this thing, so here is a video I found extraordinarily hilarious:



I've been thinking about starting a comic, all for fun, about a sort of mental hospital run by a mental patient. I think the shenanigans and goings-on would be rather a lot like this.

Hope you all enjoy!



Eden.

I initially wrote a long, rather detailed post, and published it and everything. But it's not fair to Rae so I've rewritten it:

I cut myself last night. First time in nine months.

The title comes from the fact that nine months later it's Mother's Day. Don't ask.



Eden.

...Wait what comes after that I don't even know

Well yes I do. But less than ten seconds into saying it I'll lose all motivation, concentration, and/or attention and flop over like a whale or something. Then I'll stare at the ceiling and wonder how to get my life back.

I'm using today's post as a list of things I have to do. Everyone ready?

Gaia commission (about a month late now)
15-20 page paper for Satire (due in 9 days)
2-3 page paper for Art History (forgot to turn in subject til today; due in 9 days)
Read Gargantua and Pantagruel (due by finals)
Work for my job (about a month late, this is ridiculous)
Get to Spencer's and get a retainer so I can make my parents slightly less angry about my lip piercing
Go out with E for a chocolate martini (this will make me SO HAPPY)
Work on drawing homework sketches (due Tuesday)
Art History Exam (Monday- totally forgot about it til JUST NOW, shit shit FUCK.)
Eventually work on my own art and make steampunk jewelry and hair accessories and start that webcomic I've been meaning to do since 2002.


So far what I have done today:

Started the first sentence for both papers, bought a copy of G&P that may arrive after finals, accidentally slept in, and.... I read some webcomics?

Shit what is wrong with me.



Eden.

Only not really.

I don't know what I've been up to lately. I feel like since I stopped taking the Lamictal (and especially the Adderall...) I've been floating around from day to day, vaguely getting things done last-minute by sheer miracle and a stubborn desire for good grades. I don't know.

I got a lip ring. (Go me!) I've wanted one for damn well near 10 years now and I don't know HOW I'll tell my parents (or rather, what I'll say when they see it) but damnit, I am 22 years old and I wanted it. So I got it and I love it.

Rae and I are doing well, despite a few bumps caused by stress and mood swings. My BPD likes to rear its ugly head sometimes but we've learned a pretty effective tactic- starting over. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to start bitching at you about this-and-that-unrelated-thing, can we start the night over?" It doesn't work if you start yelling at your partner and refusing to admit you were wrong, and it doesn't fix everything, but it's been working for us because we seem to know when it's okay to just hit ctrl+z and rewrite the past hour or two.

Some interesting stuff happened today. I won't get into it but it's going to be an interesting few days.

I don't know what else to say. I miss Adderall. I miss getting shit done. I miss feeling on top of the world.

I miss Rae most of all. When she's around, everything -works-. But oh yes so she got a job today! I really do think things will be better now.

She's going for a makeover of sorts. She wants to cut her hair (I admit I will cry- she has the most beautiful hair... but she's saving me some.) and I know she will look amazingly sexy. <3 I feel like I've been pushing her to wear certain clothes and I didn't mean to. She just happens to look sexy and gorgeous in a dress. But she also looks like a vision from heaven in jeans and a tank top. I can't wait to go see her and make her model for me. I will draw so much. <3 Aaah I am hopelessly in love and happy about it! *lucky* Meanwhile, our forum (RUNIC) has come back from the dead! We need new members so please someone join in and contribute! We're aiming for "intelligent paranormal and supernatural discussion," including energy/psionics, ghosts, angels, and demons, religion, spellcraft, science, disbelief in all of the above... come see! Come see!



Eden.

I'm sick of living in this world where nobody cares about anyone else. It's all about them, always, at all times. I feel like I'm stuck in a sea of other people's shit. Nobody takes responsibility for their actions. Nobody cares if you're okay, and if they bother to ask, why do something so stupid like comforting them or offering advice? It's best to change the subject, even cut them off mid-word because hey, it probably wasn't important anyway. While we're at it, if you owe money to somebody that bothered to actually care (a deadly sin!) why pay them back for it, even though you already offered to pay them back, why go through with it? Sure, you owe them money that they NEED because they spent their own on YOU, but it's best to sneak out when they're feeling sick and aren't paying attention so you can get the money you owe them and give it to someone else. It's not like they'd mind right? That would be silly.

It's little things piling on that hurt worst. And if it's happening to Rae then it's agonizing. I just want to fix everything. I want her happiness and serenity. I want to give her the world so she can be comfortable in it.

Sometimes I just want to end it all. I haven't wanted to cut this bad in a long time. Nine months since the last time and I don't know how I did it but slowly at first, and now faster, I just want to slice my skin open and let the blood drain out along with my fury; I want it to take away my frustration and sadness and disappointment and my glass-shard red and black RAGE that lately wants to take over.

I feel like I'm shouldering a greater burden than Atlas ever did.

I'm so close to the edge... try not to breathe on me.




Eden.

Thanks to Rae (hearts!) for the post and reminder. :3

So yes. No more meds for me. I have no idea how it's going, to be honest. I'll need to ask Rae to let you guys know for me. I think it's going okay. I don't know. I haven't the slightest clue.

I've been in a somewhat longish struggle to get out of the dorms and into either my own place or an apartment-style dorm suite, but it seems I've failed this year again- I managed to snag a dorm room on the second floor of one of the other buildings (I'd hate to have to go up the stairs to the 6th floor!) but it's about the same as thing one. Smaller though. But the other cafeteria is there and it's actually pretty decent. The one by my current building is often unsuitable for human consumption. It'll reeeeally suck this summer, of course, when it's the only place open- last year they reused the same food so many times that the rice was literally too hard to chew. I'm not exaggerating. :/ My roommate and I ate a lot of ramen!

They have tasty cookies though.

Anyway. Hopefully I can deal with my future roommate just fine. I hope she's nice and not too loud and not anything like all the other girls on our hall. x_x

More update later.


Eden.

What up readers? I'm posting for Eden since she apparently disappeared. ...She's actually asleep right now, but she needs it. Okay, so... It's been..a week?..maybe not that long, I'm not sure anymore, since Eden had her meds. Even I've been calling the doctor trying to get it for her, but no one ever answers the fucking phone there and they don't return calls, apparently, cos she's left God knows how many voice mails. I'm tired of it. She has shit luck with therapists. I have pretty good luck with them, but I move around so much, I can't get attached to one. Things are going pretty crazy, but she's alive, so she can give you details later. I'll try to remember to remind her.

It's sad to admit, but I'm not sure how Rae is doing lately. She has her bad days (usually coinciding with mine) and her okay days, but it seems that the others are coming back... maybe? I'm not sure. I'll have to ask her when she gets home.

I have mixed feelings about this. I miss them terribly, but if they're coming back, then it could mean Rae's doing worse. Alternately, it could mean that she's going to get more help, since, after all, that is generally why alters exist.

We'll see.



Eden.

I don't have any proof for anything I'm about to write, so there.

Most articles and things I've read on BPD show the future is pretty bleak. Although there are new treatments- such as new medications and DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (such as this workbook I've linked before), which many, many people swear by. But I'm scared shitless. So's Rae, I think.

Basically, it MIGHT go away by the time I hit 50. It likely won't. It tends to get worse with age. It sucks now, but it's not as serious as most cases- but I'm only 22 and assuming it DOES go away by 50, I still have 28 years to go.

No wonder the (successful) BPD suicide rate is 1 in 10.

Rae doesn't quite come out and say it, but there's a big probability that we won't have children because I'm crazy. Seriously, I'd probably get post-partum depression (my crazy psychiatrist told me "never have kids", my Lamictal can cause infertility anyway. Not that he mentioned that last part until much later.), attempt to murder my children, and be locked away in a criminal asylum. Or I'd just be a moody bitch to them until they grow up, move as far away as they can, and show up to my funeral... hopefully.

As for the cause of BPD, oh guess what nobody knows. There are theories, of course. But that's it. One doc blamed my parents (she had me talking back to them for weeks.), and everyone I've seen is at a loss as to what might have happened (nobody's willing to try hypnosis just in case it's too awful, or something) or even how to deal with me- it generally ends in "well, what do you want to do? how do you want to treat this?" ....um. You're the licensed mind doc, remember?

So there you have it. Nobody knows anything and I gave up trying long ago.




Eden.

So I don't think I've actually written down a list of BPD Syymptoms. These are pretty important.

First of all, though, you have to know that a lot of these are part of most people's daily lives. Some people just get depressed for awhile. Some people have random bursts of happiness or are easily irritated or angered. This doesn't mean you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Second of all, you should get diagnosed by a trained professional; otherwise, if you don't have it, you'll convince yourself that you do, and it is Not Fun. If you DO have it, you'll make it worse.

And so.

Official DSM-IV Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder
The DSM is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuual, used by pretty much all psychiatrists and therapists. It is constantly being updated and changed.

These are the current symptoms used for diagnosing a patient:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

This can lead to one or more of the following: Stalking, threatening, manipulating, staying in an abusive relationship, suffocation, dumping or leaving someone 'before they do it,' etcetera.

2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

This is commonly known as black and white thinking or "splitting." Basically, I love you and you're perfect and can do no wrong- did you forget to call me back? I hate you! Never speak to me again! ...Get the idea? Obviously, this makes it very difficult to have a stable relationship with a lover, friends, even family.

3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

Who am I? Or constantly changing the way you dress, act, or speak depending on who you are with or even where you are. I don't mean, say, acting professionally in the workplace (assuming your symptoms are not so severe that you can't hold down a job, which is common). I'm talking about wearing a mask for every situation- and not knowing what's beneath it. Personally, sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize my reflection. Sometimes I forget my own name.

4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

This refers to more than acting out or being a wild party person or what-have-you. This means you sleep around all the time, you eat all the time, you are a shopaholic, alcoholic, crack addict, etc. Sometimes it's mild- I have a lot of impulses, but they aren't usually too bad. It comes and goes.

5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

I hate to talk about it, but my arms were pretty much hamburger meat when I was thirteen. I have a lot of scarring on my breasts (where I could hide it from my parents... at first anyway), and most of the other ones are gone but there are still a lot of old scars that stand out, especially my inside upper arms. I attempted suicide once, at fifteen or sixteen. However, I've never -threatened- to hurt myself or kill myself. I also don't like people seeing my scars, so I never did it for attention.

Another note on that subject- some younger kids or teens will do it for attention or to be cool. But that doesn't mean every kid or teen is just out for attention- sometimes it's a cry for help.

Last note: I hate hate HATE how it's portrayed in movies, shows, most books, photography and other art, songs, and music videos. (Did I leave anything out? Oh yes- poetry and any other form of writing as well.) It's rarely realistic, always shows the person as pathetic or "emo," and overall stupid.

...Right, sore subject. Sorry.

6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

This is the worst for me. I complain about it a lot on here because it's always happening. Ranging from 15 minutes to several hours, and about twice a year a couple of days or so with minor differences every few minutes. I'm awesome and my art is wonderful! Ugh no, it sucks. Damnit, I just want to draw well! I hate it, I'm a hack, I'll never be able to do this... Man, my roommates are so annoying, sitting there minding their own business. Oooh, I drew a flower! It's so pretty!

You get the idea. That, but worse.

Very occasionally, during those twice-a-year episodes, I'm suicidal for days. It's scary as fuck. This year's first one was the worst I've had in YEARS.

7) chronic feelings of emptiness

This used to be a huge problem for me, now it's not quite as bad. It can last a while- for me, the longest was about a week back in high school- and can easily go either way when it's over: drop into despairing depression, or lift me up into a rainbow fairy magical land where unicorns poop sprinkles.

Makes for some surreal poetry though.

8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I didn't know I did this until, oh, last Christmas. Therapists wouldn't believe I was diagnosed with BPD before I saw them, because I "don't look violent." Well, it turns out that I DO have this issue and then my brain will block it from my mind. I don't remember whole days. I've done things such as yell at my parents for daring to tell me they like *those* shoes better on me, call my sister up and scream at her before hanging up on her out of the blue, etcetera. It explains why my sister still hates me- and I didn't know why until a few months ago!

9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms

Yeah. I was on meds for paranoia in 8th grade or so, maybe a bit later. As for the dissociation, it's similar to the empty feeling, but more interesting. I'm floating in a different time and space, watching everything happen. Time slows down for everyone else and my movements are sluggish. I can barely speak. I can't focus my eyes on anything. I'm flying and on the ground at the same time. It's disorienting and very obvious to everyone else so I try to stay secluded.

Now, the general consensus is that nobody can be officially diagnosed until they're at least 18. Anyone want to guess why?

That's right, sir in the front row. It's because our brain chemicals and things aren't very developed and stable until we're about... 24, I think? But eh, they picked 18 for whatever reason.

BPD symptoms become evident in late adolescence and early adulthood. Me, I knew what it was when I was 12, and I just fought it as much as I could. Didn't work, did it.

But as you can probably guess, a lot of teens will be convinced they have it. Lashing out at their parents, sneaking out late to party, being depressed or angry for no discernible reason, writing angsty poetry (guilty.), threatening suicide if they don't get what they want, desperate attempts to keep their boyfriend/girlfriend, not knowing who they are... it sucks, but it's usually a normal part of growing up.

Or as is the case with a forum I occasionally object myself to, many, MANY people in volatile relationships- usually dumped- will insist their SO had BPD and that's why they were nuts.

Chances are, your ex-wife was just a bitch.

Inner Monologue # 2.

Condensed for attention span and length. And sadly almost verbatim.

[Setting: Cleaning the bathtub.]
[Me (E) and my inner!Laia (I), who Sucks At the Therapees]

E: La dee dah, cleaning the tub~

I: …Why?

E: What?

I: Why are you cleaning the tub? Make roommates do it.

E: Why am I talking to myself inside my own head?

I: Make the roommates do it.

E: Well, no. V's usually pretty clean and N claims she does it but it's still gross.

I: There's dead skin in there. And dirt.

E: I'm wearing gloves and this Windex kills germs. It smells like oranges!

I: …You inhaled too much of it and now you're going to get cancer.

E: I smoke. Windex won't kill me. Can't breathe though.

I: Told you.

E: Shut up. I'm opening the door.

I: You forgot to call the bank about the missing money.

E: I can see it now. "Why are you calling us at 2am?" Well sir, I'm a college student and I'm awake at two in the morning, scrubbing the bathtub, so why not? ...Ugh, this stuff is stronger than I thought. Bathroom fan isn't very good is it.

I: Cancer.

E: At least it'll be citrus scented cancer.

I: Reeeally.

E: Yes, really. I don't remember my inner!Laia being such a condescending bitch.

I: I'm not her. And you should stop having your little OCD moment, you have homework to do.

E: Shut up. You're a horrible inner voice.

I: FIne.

[Silence]

I: You missed a spot. And you picked up the gross old sponge by accident.

E: Shit! Okay, that's fine. I have Windex.

I: Cancer.

[Sulking silence]

I: Don't think about the number four.

E: Fuck you! You suck at this!

I: I thought you liked me.

E: I like Laia. At least she's real. And she's good at this.

[Silence]

E: …hello? Helloooo? Voice in my head?

[Silence]

E: Oh. Guess you're gone then.

I am starting a new series of posts. I call them inner monologues. And they will also be inner dialogues. And inner ramblings. So there.

Inner Monologue # 1.

[Setting: Bridge, stairs, dorm.]
[Me.]


The number 4 is conspiring against me.

So I'm sitting on the bridge that goes from my dorm to two others, and there's a sign across from me. I can't recount my steps completely, but it amounts to 54 pen-strokes if I count the name of the dorm plus the writing under it, including spaces. Then you count the board itself, the steel frame, and the two posts holding it up, and after a long and complex 20 minutes or so, you end up with the number four.

Is Adderall a good idea tonight? I need to concentrate, I haven't gotten any homework done tonight, but there's only two of them left, and is it really the number four? (Coincidentally, there are four letters in the number four.) and I kind of want to try the pasta at the dorm pizza place but O said it wasn't very good, not surprising since it's dorm food, and anyway the last time I had dorm food I had to tell them to use all meal plans cos they ended using my laundry money and is it really four or is it 54, which adds up to 9, and I guess it is the number four, and I still can't find E, I think she's hiding from me.

Oh God why am I in art school I don't fit in here either and do I want to, does it really bother me?

Okay, so I can accept that it's the number four, and suddenly everything equals four- don't count the steps going upstairs, they aren't the same on every floor and I can't remember if the number ends up being 9 condensed (different from uncondensed but still the same) and okay, it's four, and now I'm at my floor. I live on the fourth floor.

Fuck.

+Edit: Four blog views today. See? Proof.

So this is how some of us live.

You have to be careful what you read, hear, see, do, or who you talk to. Even what you taste is dangerous. You have to stay in a stable mood, a safe state of mind. A single bad song can tip the scales and topple you into mania or depression. It's like walking on a tightrope- a gust of wind can kill you.

So there are songs I spent a lot of time avoiding. Rae taught me something important- that you can't give things power. And she was right. Now I can listen to a lot of old songs.

But there are still things that give me trouble. Some movies, or even movie genres, will set me off. And I'm about to conduct an experiment, of sorts- there is a webcomic that seriously can switch me into dark and jagged and broken glass. And naturally I'm about to re-read it.

This time, I'm not in the closet, the smell of vinegar and old food suffocating, the lights dark and the doors locked, loud music cutting off all contact with the outside world. I'm in an open room, the window letting sunlight in, a breeze floating in. I have people around me.

I'll let you know how it goes. If everything goes well, then I'll finish reading it up to today's comic and I'll be fine.

On another note, I've been trying to do some practice art. Anyone want a sketch? Free commissions!



Eden.

So it's getting worse lately. The mood swings, impulsiveness, splitting, all of that. I don't know if it's because I need to adjust my medication or because Rae isn't around anymore to keep it in check, but now I'm scared because BPD is something that gets worse as one gets older. It tapers off eventually, yeah… usually at or after middle age and a lot of elderly people still have it. And about… 10%, I think it was, kill themselves before it gets any better anyway.

Not that I'm resorting to that. I just wish I could get a fucking appointment sometime in the next yesterday, but it's nearly impossible to get through to the counseling office I go to. They never answer the damn phone and I can't find the direct line to my therapist's or head doc's answering machines.

I need therapy, I need a higher dose, and I need Rae.


I can't complain too much though. I started class today. Art History isn't as bad as I thought it'd be and Satire in Great Literature is proving to be an amazing class. Tomorrow is my Drawing for Comics class, which I'm super excited about! I just had a lot of mood swings today. I blame my headache- throbbing stabbing pain whenever I turn my head or there are too many bright lights, I can't focus my eyes or think and I'm worried my ADD is kicking into high-gear too.

I don't know. I'm stopping here.



eden.

Title indeed taken from the book I am linking here.

Things are... weird, I guess. I didn't say too much in the last post.

I did indeed tell my parents that Rae and I are engaged. They took it surprisingly well, actually. Then we got kicked out of the house with less than two days' notice. Landlady was sober, for once, and found a way to keep the house- but that apparently meant nobody else could be there? Oh right, and also we were trying to steal her dog, but then we didn't care if it died, and something about suing me for dirty dishes. Right.

Anyway, my parents gave us the money for a storage unit. Then they lent me my paycheck money until I actually got paid and could give it back. Saved our asses and bought Mia dog food.

Speaking of which, my beautiful gorgeous baby girl, Mia~ <3 She's the sweetest thing, and I am so happy to have her! She was my Valentine's Day gift from Rae. ...Except that now she's in another state. Along with Rae. -sigh- In any case, classes are starting up again next week. My parents are so worried about me, since Rae's gone and all, that they're canceling my plane ticket and driving me back up to the dorm- about 5 hours one way- to make sure I'll get settled in, get some groceries, some essentials, art supplies. I got my first non-A in a class. A fucking 71. I can't believe it... I had an 89, all I needed was one last project to get an A, and three hours before the deadline I'm so sleep-deprived that I'm fainting and sick as a dog... and I can't finish it. Three nights in a row of no sleep and I didn't finish my final project and couldn't go to class cos I was too sick. So I baaaarely got a C. FUCK.

Anyway, there goes my 4.0. But I can still try for scholarships starting April 1st, and I should still have a high GPA right? I don't know how to calculate it, I'll have to wait until the final grades are officially out. My life drawing professor promised me that I got bumped up to a 90 (from an 89.5) so I hope he doesn't forget or I swear I'll beat him with his own sketchbook. It's still not showing up.

I probably sound like a whiny brat, but honestly, I NEED these grades. I NEED these scholarships. My family's running out of money, the business is losing money, my mom and dad are bother working from 9am to midnight every day and they're tired and stressed and everyone's broke and we NEED this. I need this.

But ah-ha, don't forget, this is a BPD blog (supposedly).

So, the Lamictal seems to be working. I can't get ahold of anyone at therapy to schedule an appointment, which is bad cos I ran out of Adderall and I wanted to up my Lamictal. The moods are still prominently there but it's not as bad as when I don't take it. Also, I forgot it for about a week and Rae says I drove her NUTS.

I'll ask her to write a post in here about that later.

I lost a ton of weight. I was underweight to begin with, but I came home weighing less than 90 lbs. And that's bad. So I'm up to about 96 now, which is about my average. My dad's freaking out saying I have to reach 100 but honestly, I've never been 100 in my life. My body just doesn't do it. -shrug-

With Rae gone, I'm throwing myself into art. I have nothing else.

I'm going to draw, and make comics, and write, and read, and make steampunk and dieselpunk hair accessories and pins, and I'm going to be awesome. Cos when I graduate in 3 years I want to already be making money. My dad started his first company before he graduated college, and my sister has a ton of awesome ideas for an Etsy shop that wil definitely sell, so I have lots to do.

I'm going to make this year my bitch. That or I'll have another suicidal streak and fail. Again.



Eden.

You know how, sometimes, you get to a point when you sit up and go, "How the Hell did I get here?"

Things change and you feel like you've been hit by a freight train. One minute you're starting college and your girlfriend is visiting you. Next thing you know, you're engaged, you have a puppy, she's homeless and jobless, and you're telling her between wracking sobs and pathetic wailing that she has to take the dog and move 7 hours away with her best friend and stay there for 5 months, no 9, well maybe 2-3 years.

I just... I don't know anymore.

I don't regret my decision and I know she doesn't either. Our puppy needs somewhere to live where she can stretch out her paws. She's going to get big, the backseat just isn't enough. Rae needs a roof over her head, a bed to sleep in. She needs heat at night and air conditioning during the day. She needs electricity and running water. Her best friend's an awesome guy, he'll help her get a job and with her sharing rent and bills they'll both be able to put some money away.

But she's so far away again, just when we thought everything would be okay, and our little girl's going to get big without me.



eden.

So my therapy and psyche appointment was a week ago or so and I totally didn't write a report. Whoops. Not that anyone reads them. :p Basically, my therapist and I will focus on my becoming more independent, especially from my parents. I have to learn to act like an adult, take care of myself without someone helping me (reminding me to eat and shower and brush my teeth, for example.), how to work a regular job like a regular person... we'll see. I did indeed get adderall, and my Lamictal is now on 100mg a day- I think that was my old dose too. So we'll see how that goes.

Things at the house are just... within about 3 days they've fallen apart. I don't think I can tell any details, just in case. But D was spreading rumors, S- who I pretty much thought was a nutcase and refused to hang out with- is actually really awesome and we've been talking to her for more than 6 hours at a time for the past two or three days. The landlords have also been telling her lies about us, and they've lied about her too. They claimed we tricked them into letting us take the dog home with us at night, and that we never told them they would be taking care of him while Rae was gone. They told S that we basically dumped him at their place. But the agreement was that they'd take him because I have classes and a full workload. I have literally zero time to take care of a big dog.

Meanwhile, we were going to move in with them, and so was S (who they said to us wouldn't be allowed in the house because of her craziness), but it turns out the house is infested with fleas, roaches, and worms (of the doggy kind), and that since the dogs use the bathroom in the house whenever they feel like it the house is pretty much unfit for anyone to live in. S was staying in our room there while there was drama here, and she woke up with her sinuses on fire because of the smell and ammonia in the air from the dog urine. On top of that the landlords told her we couldn't have the dog anymore, and then told us we would. So S and Rae are trying to find somewhere else to go, I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm terrified of Saturday (but wanting to just enjoy my time with my parents while I can), and just... Augh.

Now, I read tarot. So far I haven't been wrong once. Well, it turns out S reads cards too- it's been in her family for over 600 years- and she gave me a reading. It was way more accurate and detailed than any tarot reading could ever be and it was pretty scary. Basically, it said that I would tell my parents that Rae and I are engaged, they'd take it badly and probably stop talking to me for a while, but that ultimately she and I WILL be married and as soon as I tell my parents everything will go very well.

And it took a while but I've planned to tell them on the 12th. My birthday is on the 11th and they want to drive up and take me out for dinner. Then they want to spend all of the 12th with me. I want to just enjoy my birthday and have an amazing time with them Saturday in case they DO stop talking to me. Then I'll tell them Saturday night (with Rae with me, I pray) and that way they can have time to think it over and talk to each other and hopefully talk to me before they leave on Sunday.

In any case I haven't stopped crying in a long time because I'm terrified. But when I put it down on paper, it's not the end of the world- just one more bump in the road of life. So we'll see what happens.

I'm still upset enough that I skipped my classes today. I also feel sick and it's raining outside.

She's coming back Saturday instead of tomorrow. But that's okay.

I have therapy and psyche tomorrow, and I am hoping and praying that the doc will give me more Adderall. I can't believe what an idiot I am to lose my prescription!

Also, this house has more drama in it than Jersey Shore meets Teen Mom meets ALL the Real Housewives. D's dog got stolen from S, who used to own the dog, and the police never showed up to file a report (we called twice), and S thinks she's moving to House 2 when the landlords think she's batshit and refuse to even give her a recommendation for any other houses, and there was a guy at House 2 that attacked another guy so S is there as security only, she still has the dog, N and W are moving to House 2, D found another place, the house is getting foreclosed and we have to be out by Monday cos they're turning all the utilities off. House 0 (where Rae and I are going) is actually pretty far from my classes, which really sucks cos House 1 is literally almost across the street. Meanwhile, C, the crack addict who stole S's TV and stole almost $1000 from the landlords, was supposedly bussed off to rehab in Kentucky, but D saw him at House 0 with the landlords yesterday or the day before.

And this is just in the past TWO DAYS.

Therapy Report tomorrow!



Eden.

Still raining. I wish I were normal. It's one of THOSE days today, with the unease of regret and wishing.

I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I do now- it's a recurrent daydream. I wish I could tell the old me that it's going to be okay, that suicide and hamburger-meat-arms isn't the answer. That it's alright if I'm a gossip and a bit two-faced because I can't control it and when I'm older I won't be that way anymore, I'll be in art school. I wish I could tell the old me that dating my ex is a mistake and a waste of my time and that it will ruin some very important things for me- my 18th birthday, my senior prom, all conventions for the rest of my life, my faith in people, my trust in anything. I wish I could tell her that I will meet someone more amazing than any fairytale or dream or fantasy. Someone who will respect her, love her unconditionally, treat her beyond right, do anything and everything for her. Make her feel loved, wanted, needed.

I love Rae. I love our relationship. I love our dog. I love art and music. I love most of my classes, usually. I love the choices I have made in life- Japan, art school, Rae. I love my family. I love my friends. I love how much progress I've been making, emotionally and artistically. I love those days when I'm reading a comic or a book while Rae's playing video games or watching a Duke basketball game.

I like how I look. I like how I write. I'm okay with how I draw, usually. I really like our landlords. I like my classmates. I like my social days (even though I think I'm annoying).

I want to be able to go to class like normal people, instead of having to skip because I'm behind on work. I want to get a job where I can make money. I want to move in with Rae without having to keep it a secret from my parents. I want to be in control of my emotions, not the other way around. I want to know that if I'm happy or sad it's because of a reason, and not 'just because.' I want to be able to concentrate in class and do my work without medication. I want to be more independent and not so clingy and dependent on Rae (which must be difficult for her, though she doesn't complain). I want to be able to take care of our dog. I want to feel affection for children and friends.

I don't want to be afraid of large groups of people. I don't want to flinch when a stranger walks past. I don't want to freak out about dirty hands- it comes and goes- I can spent two days with conte and charcoal and graphite and paint on my hands, and then for three days I'm pretty much boiling my hands in caustic dollar-store dishwasher detergent and scalding water. I don't want to be too selfish to have children.

I hate the delusions. I hate the hallucinations. The crazy moments. Our night crazies. The moments where the only thing in my head is hurt and pain for no reason. Hurting myself. Sometimes someone else. I hate that there's no damn reason for ANYTHING of it. At all. I hate the uncertainty of what might have happened to make me like this. I hate that nobody will agree to hypnotism or even feel like I SHOULD try to find out. I hate that I can't just be happy- for me, for Rae.

I want a life.

I miss you.




Eden.

She won't be back til Friday afternoon at the earliest. But at least she gets to see her brother.

I woke up at 5pm. I'm so disoriented and incoherent. I don't want to do this skeleton.

It's still raining.



Eden.

I did indeed finish my project. It looks pretty bad, honestly, but I did my best in the time and mental capabilities I had at the time. I skipped class (it's in an hour and a half). I'm too tired to sleep, and oh what a morning...

Since last night I had a weird feeling that I was going to lose my student ID. So I basically kept it in my hand at all times. It's raining now, but before that it was that weird rainy mist- I'm clean, I'm wearing clean clothes, and after only two minutes that I stepped outside I started smelling like mold. (It's in my clothes oh god) Then it was raining. So I got off the bus, waited for the next one. Finally, wet but having successfully protected my precious project (see what I did there?), I get to the comics building, scan everything, and drop it all off on my professor's desk. Then I wait in the rain again for the bus, wait in the rain for the second bus... and as I walk towards home, a student runs after me. I'd left my ID on the bus.



In other news, I love this manga and I can't wait to order volumes 3 and on. It's a hilarious slice-of-life 4-koma with a strong emphasis on art school. Just my thing~ <3

Spoke to Rae around 5am-ish. Still miss her. Haven't cried yet today though. It's only 10am but I'll be passed out for a few hours before trudging over to the drawing building for tomorrow's midterm drawing, so we'll see if I can't ignore the emptiness today.

I miss you.



Eden.

Late update is late. (It's technically Day 4 I guess?) Just two more days, hopefully... I'm starting to think she'll be gone longer, but a girl can hope, right?

I don't know how much longer I can stay awake. I'm having those weird moments where I'm half delusional, which admittedly happens a lot when I'm awake too. I had 45 rough panels to do, which I finished. 3 thumbnail passes at all 5 pages, I did mooost of them. And now I'm on the last panel of page 2 for the final pencils. (It's actually page 1. I already did page 5 though.) Basically, the theme was no dialog, pantomime only, excitement and disappointment/sorrow or vice versa. So this couple, super in love and happy, get engaged. They throw a mini engagement celebration with their mutual childhood friend and get drunk. boy and friend wake up in bed, naked, and freak out. Fiancee girl snaps and murders them both. My professor said it was okay, so there.

The last of the creative writing stories were presented today. Two of them were from personal experiences- a girl having to choose between her boyfriend and a girl, and another one about a girl with Seasonal Affective Disorder (I think?) talking with doctors about her condition and medication and stuff. The latter hit too close to home, it was pretty uncomfortable.

Umm. Nothing new otherwise... I just wish Rae was here...... I hope she comes back before Friday (second therapy and psyche appointment, hopefully I can get some adderal!).

Three good things:

1. Rae comes back in 2 days! Hopefully...

2. Still kind of going strong on the comic homework!

3. My drawing professor said I'm pretty on-track and he likes my midterm project (due Wednesday, haha... ha...) and the sketchbook is looking good. I'm only halfway behind now.

Rae, I love you and I wish you'd said goodnight before you passed out but it's okay. <3

Sweet dreams my darling,



Eden.

Let's see... I woke up feeling pretty okay, actually. Last night I was doing my reading homework and I think it helped put me in a different state of mind. The last story especially- Summer, I forget the author, about a woman and her husband who spend a month at their friend's house with their two daughters and various women who come to visit their friend. I don't know why but it was pretty soothing. I'd forgotten how much I've missed reading. Creative writing is my escape class- I can read the 13 short stories in an hour, so I have time to do everything else. But it takes me away from where I am, where my stress is overwhelming and my Rae is gone.

I have a lot of ideas for the next story I have to write, and while I only got a B+ on my last story I'm certain that I'll do much better this time. It's mostly a few mistakes and I can avoid those now that I know what they are.

I miss her.


Eden.

So yes. I have food now. I have ramen and I will eat it eventually. Then I will do my reading homework so I can ace that quiz tomorrow, because I want to do well in at least ONE class, you know?

The breaking down is starting again. It happens when Rae isn't around for too long. I just really hope she comes back Wednesday. I miss her so much, and I miss the dog a LOT. I haven't talked to anyone (except S, to borrow her lighter for a couple days). My roommate N didn't seem to care whether we got to hang out or not so I left pretty quickly the last time I was at the dorm. I haven't seen V, and E isn't answering my texts again (we're on very good terms so it's probably her phone messing up again).

I hate being alone. But I hate being without Rae even more. If I had time to take care of the dog, then it would probably be much, much easier. I can't even go and visit him, or play with him at the landlords' place, or anything. Too much homework and it's not a short walk away.

I need to remember to get some Amp tomorrow. I'm good on cigarettes- I don't smoke much when I'm numb, just when I'm stressed out.

I miss her too bad to process it anymore I guess.



Eden.

I managed to be a bit productive today. I think venting on here really helps me get some of the pressure. I was wrong, I did cry today. Now Rae's on the phone with me, and I'm just trying to hide it from her. I think it's working.

I got some work done. I haven't really eaten today but I'll go make some food now. I got a C on my first comic project so I have to pull my grade up. Even if I stopped caring two days ago.

Will try to update later. Unless I forget.

Oh yes and also today I began taking 2 pills of the Lamictal a day. In 7 days I'll take 4. So we'll see if that helps the crushing doom-y depression and whatnot.


Numb,
Eden.

I have the uncanny feeling that my life is slowly deteriorating this year. I want to stay positive, and just focus on getting through this week and catching up next weekend... but goddamnit what the hell happened this quarter?

My adderall ran out and I can't get more until the end of the month. It ran out because I lost my prescription for this month's supply, and they expire so if I DO find it I might not be able to get any anyway.

I'm three WEEKS behind in my drawing class- that's 12 1/2 drawings, not to mention the skeleton drawing that's due next week- two weeks earlier than what my professor said before.

I have a comic due next week and I have no idea if I can finish this one on time- I barely managed last week.

I have no idea what I have to due for my writing class tomorrow. I went ahead and bought two of the textbooks that I think we're using the next two weeks but I'm not sure if I'm missing one or not.

I lost my beloved lighter. I bought it in Japan back in 2008 and I lost it today- it must have fallen out of my pocket. I've been walking and waiting for the buses and riding around trying to just get some school supplies since 10am. It's now almost 2 and I barely got home just a little while ago, made some breakfast so I can keep functioning... I left my debit card and ID at the house so I almost didn't get the supplies after all the trouble (luckily I had a credit card on me), but that means I can't get any Amp to keep me awake and productive tonight unless I go out and get some... but I'm so fucking tired, I've been walking and walking and walking for days and my feet hurt, my shoes are getting worn...

I don't know what to do. And then with the foreclosure and the water being turned off, and worries about how to get to classes once we move, and my parents not knowing a thing about the move (they think I'm at the dorms), and... I don't know.

And Rae's still not sure how long she'll be gone. She's so happy there, with her family and her cousins and aunts and especially her sister, her sweet healthy little infant nephew... I almost worry she won't come back but I know she'll miss me and Hot Shot. And anyway I have P, our baby. ^_~

Still, I'm pretty stressed out and freaking out, and have been this whole month.

We'll see how this month goes.



Eden.

So she's been gone about... I don't know. 8 hours maybe. I can't count. Anyway, I spent three hours working on my life drawing project- due Wednesday, even though we were told we'd have until midterm... two weeks away. Then it took me over an hour to get to the dorms. I bought a big sub, chips, soda, deodorant (since you took it with her), and such, and then it took me another hour to get back to the drawing building I was in earlier. I lugged my stuff to a convenient store to get more soda and a couple packs of cigarettes (please come home and monitor my cigarette usage and tell me it's unhealthy...) and then dragged everything back to Rae's place. I washed all the dishes and silverware in the room (come cook for me and argue with me about whether or not I can cook too), sat down to watch the Duke game... and gave up, because it's just not the same (tell me about penalties and fouls and who's good and who sucks) so now I'm sitting here watching Hoarders because I hurt my arms trying to carry everything home so I can't work on my homework just yet (tell me that was a dumb move and I should've asked for help).

This is dumb. Of course it is. She's only gone two states away to see her sister's new baby and to see her family. Only now she might stay longer and I miss her and the dog very much and I'm just proud cos I went at least two hours without crying today. So maybe tomorrow I'll be just fine.

S offered to give me rides anywhere I need, and just in general go to her if I need anything until Rae's back. I hope I don't get too depressed and end up engaging her in conversation or I'll never get my work done. I hope Rae remembers to call the landlords about the dog so she can tell me if he's okay, because I have too much phone phobia to call them myself.

Enough whining. Three good things:

1. My skeleton drawing is getting there, I had to start over today but I can do it if I make sure to keep going to the drawing building every day.

2. My comic project isn't as far along, but I'm excited about it and I chose a very simple drawing style so that I can actually get it done by Tuesday.

3. I... I'll figure something out.

Also, progress photos:

So Rae's off to see her sister, who just had a baby boy. Very good news! She left about... two hours ago, I think. I stayed here taking care of the dog until the landlord came by to get him (they're taking care of him while she's out of town). I'm staying at her place until she comes back, which was going to be tomorrow maybe but now it'll be later, probably around Wednesday afternoon.

Which is good! Cos I can clean up the room finally, and then start packing a bit between homework. Which I have lots of! I have lots of things to keep me busy!

Now mind you, she didn't get to see her family for Christmas, which was really hard for her. So it's very very awesome that she gets to go. Hence 'Super Awesome Trip.'

So I won't go into the super-selfish and totally not awesome dependency issues or how I haven't stopped crying since the dog left (I didn't really get to say goodbye :( ) or how I just wish she was back so she could play video games and play with the dog while I attempted to maneuver around her mess and do homework.

That's all.



Eden.

I can't remember if I already talked about this or not, or if I started it already and forgot, but here it is again anyway. My dad always tells me that every day, I should write down or talk about three good things that happened that day. They don't have to be big things- the weather was nice, or I heard my favorite song; anything positive.

So at the end of every post I make, I will include three good things that happened.

I don't know if it's the Lamictal- supposedly it takes time to notice a difference, though the last time I took it, it was a matter of days- but I feel much, much better. I'm having fun with my homework, and I'm in a much, MUCH better mood now- no more wanting to die, or being afraid of lows. I'll take each day as it comes and just focus on classes and Rae and getting better. I think it scared her when she read my last post this morning, but I didn't know how to tell her out loud and I didn't want to sound like I was whining or anything, so I thought it'd be better for her to read it.

Three good things:

1. I'm pretty motivated to finish my comic project and life drawing studies, and I have a lot of time to do them this weekend. (Is that two?)

2. Rae came up with a tasty-sounding recipe for dinner, since we're still living off ramen and coffee. :p

3. My refund check came in from school. My parents will take most of it (since they're paying for college and they need it), but they said I can have whatever's left, which will really help out!


With her fingers crossed,

Eden.

The last two or so days have been familiar. Not because of events or place or smells or people or anything, but because of the very distinct feeling that comes now and then, not very often but enough that it takes me time to shake off.

'I want to die.' It's a strange coppery feeling in my throat, clouding my head. It's very different from 'What if I kill myself?', though they both come at the same time. I wandered about in a daze... 'I said something stupid, I wish I were dead.' Or, 'I'm overwhelmed by this homework. I should be dead.'

Everything becomes a tool to that end. There's some rope in the backyard but I don't want to hang myself- it's too thin and there's nowhere to hang it from. There's cleaner under the sink but it's too easy to be found and taken to a hospital and I don't want to dump anyone with another fucking hospital bill. I have 60 Lamictal and I'll be getting 60 Adderall and would that cancel out?

It'll hurt Rae to read this, I know it will, but I followed her around, drinking her in, wondering how she'll be when I'm gone- not if- and trying to say goodbye with my eyes. There are a lot of high buildings in this town, that's how I imagined I'd kill myself when I was little and why not do it now?

And then just as soon as that happened I was sitting in my writing class and I hear myself saying, 'I don't want to die.'

Rae told me last night that I'm just going through a low. I'm tired of my moods doing this to me- what if I go through with it next time? Every single time I hit that extra-hard low point, I prepare myself to say goodbye. I give things away, give people money, tell people they can have my (many many) books or my art supplies. I stop bothering with homework, get behind. I tell everyone I love them, try not to think about Rae, grieving for a week until she dies from heartache, or my parents, forever dead inside.

But finally, I can see the light again. I'm cheerful. I'm getting things done. I don't want to die.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to die.

But what will happen next time?



Rae's been accepted into her university. Things are going really well, despite the house being foreclosed and her quitting her job and waiting for another one. I'm feeling much better.

Please, please, let this mean that I'm going up again. Please, please don't let this be just a brief respite from myself, just for the day, before I lapse again tomorrow.

I'm scared shitless.



Eden.

Last night was... well, to understate it, bad.

I had a huge amount of homework over the weekend and, honestly, I slacked a bit. First weekend of the new quarter, after all, and Rae and I were training the dog and having us-time (which is rare as hell during school and all but nonexistent during breaks). She's been stressed to high heaven with work and money and school issues and whatnot, so I admit that I put off this SUPER-BIG-COMIC-ASSIGNMENT until almost the last minute.

Well, the assignment called for 66 thumbnail images and 22 pages (10"x15") of tight roughs, which are basically one step above rough drafts but a step below actual pencils or inks. We had almost 5 days to do it. I did maybe 27 thumbnails and I barely managed to rush 6 pages. And it was due today.

So of course I didn't just panic- I had a complete meltdown. Literally, I stared at the paper wishing I were dead for about an hour, called my dad at 1am to prepare him for my imminent failure, woke up Rae (who had to be at work early this morning and hasn't been sleeping lately), and sobbed uncontrollably until I guess I passed out around 4 or so.

The best part of the entire thing?

The professor didn't expect anyone to finish. He literally just wanted to see how much we could get done. I ended up doing more work than most of the class. We now have a week to finish it, and our next project is 5 pages. We have at least a week for it, if not longer.

Yet again, another horrible end-of-the-world reaction to something that ended up being perfectly fine. I think the worst part of it all was that I hate waking her up when she has work. I always seem to need her right when she needs sleep most of all, and yet if she's upset she won't wake me up. God, I'm such a horrible girlfriend. I also freaked my parents out enough to where they called me back at 2am to make sure I was okay, called me this morning before classes to make sure I was okay, and texted me... to make sure I was okay.

And I wasn't. I honestly wanted to cut again, which I haven't done since... I think summer was the last time, and it'd been about 6 months before that. I just didn't want to exist anymore.

So this morning, before class, I finally remembered to take my Lamictal for the first time. I was wide awake, probably off my nerves, until Rae picked me up, got me McDonald's, and passed out with me for three hours. And now I have 9 drawings due tomorrow, a short story to finish up, and a long list of stories to read by tomorrow. Hopefully I can deal with the stress tonight, since I'm still a crying mess despite everything being fine. Hopefully I won't slash at my skin or actually off myself in the bathtub or overdose on Lamictal and Adderall or something stupid like that.

All I can focus on now is how upset I am about everything. My art isn't good enough- I don't like it. My drawings are due and here I am whining on the internet instead. Rae's asleep and I wish she weren't so short-tempered lately, and that I weren't always so oversensitive and stupid and making it worse. I'm a disappointment, an emotional and mental mess, and I hate myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me but please, please, after playing this mood game for so long, I can't do it anymore. Just make it stop...



Eden.

Scroll down for happier news! Yes.

Well, besides the nausea and the whole being awake at 4am thing, it wasn't really a bad day eventwise. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but seeing as we get Fridays off schoolwise, I still have tomorrow (today?) and Sunday (tomorrow?). And I DO have a shitload of homework- first weekend back from class and I have: 13 stories for a quiz, 3 masterpieces to choose, 9 drawing to start on, and I have to tighten up a short story I wrote today (the only thing I really got done). That's all due Monday. Oh yes, and an essay that I already did last quarter and- ha- completely DELETED ffff.

But the fun doesn't stop yet! 66 thumbnails, 22 pages of rough comic, and 20 pages of reference research work due Tuesday. On Wednesday I get to choke down my fear of speaking in front of 30 strangers and read my short story out loud, not to mention the reading assignments I'll likely have to get done by then as well as other homework that will be assigned Monday and Tuesday.

And yes okay I know this sounds like I am complaining. But I will be perfectly honest- I am happy with this workload. Yeah, it's more than I'm prepared for and I had a bad day at exactly the wrong time, but you know what?

I have to read, write, and draw for homework. This is what I do in my spare time. It still boggles my mind- I have to do what I love? I don't have math or science or biology or anything else to do? Honestly, life is good. I'm not whining about it so much as stressing how stressed out I am.

Which reminds me- this book is actually pretty good about getting you to do your art. It basically talks about your biggest enemy- yourself- and how to overcome said enemy and produce work and be happy. If you get the chance, it's cheap used and go buy it now. Good times.

There are other things going on in my life right now, though. Moneywise, it seems to be all gone already- I made a little more than $500 in two weeks, which is more than I've made in a month since I returned from living abroad in Japan. I'm not sure where it went, probably school supplies and- ha- more school supplies. I won't lie, I already had a lot of the supplies I needed thanks to this being my third quarter; accumulating massive amounts of pencils, pens, watercolors, paints, inks, et cetera seriously helps out your wallet over time. Buuuut I'm pretty much broke now and I still need more stuff soon, such as many sheets of $5 paper (that's per sheet, in case you didn't catch that). And such. Not to mention the Adderall (about $23), Lamictal was $4-something, and I'm missing lots more goodies non-school-related that I refuse to ask my parents for help for. (They have enough to worry about.) Getting a job is out of the question right now, soooo I'll just have to squeeze by and stop spending money on anything else until next month. (My 22nd birthday! Hoorah! I just want money as a present. Yeah.)

Rae is going through FAR more stress than I am, and I'm hoping I can balance schoolwork and being there for her. I won't go into details, since it's on her what she wants to be let known, but if she's reading this, I hope she realizes I love her more than anything and while I tend to put school first I WILL make time.

Good News:

Sooo Rae and I are getting a dog! Well, technically she's getting a dog. But it's mine too since I'll be helping her train him, take care of him, buy his stuff, and so on. And also cos we don't really have personal property at this point, so much as 'our stuff.'

Rae's landlords rescue dogs; they have about... twenty-two or twenty-three now. And oh my goodness he's a beautiful dog- definitely has beagle in him and probably some bloodtick coonhound as well. He's a year old, abandoned by the side of a 4-lane highway as a pup. Despite being entirely untrained, after a few days (literally, not even a week now I think) of nonstop working with him, he now listens to Rae really well, sits on command, shakes (well, every time he sits he puts his paw up because he knows it's a 'good thing,' still have to get him to connect the action with the command), and will come when Rae calls him. He sits for me, doesn't jump up much anymore (the first day I met him, I came home with bruises, swollen bites from him trying to get a ball from me, and many, many scratches), shakes, and is generally much calmer.

The best part is that Rae and her landlord have been training him to walk on a lead. He'd been on one walk before in his entire life, and we started the training yesterday (Thursday). I missed most of it today, they went to the park while I was freaking out in therapy, but now he's doing super well. I'm impressed, the landlord is impressed, and most importantly, Rae is happy.

That should be all. We're going over there tomorrow morning again (well, in about 6 hours) so I hope I get some work done once the sun comes up...


+Eden.

(Scroll down for the tl;dr version, since I'm about to vomit up some long shit tonight. And I might also mean that literally.)

Today was the nerve-wracking first visit with my new therapist, B. By 'today' I mean it's 3:30am and I can't sleep, and since I need to turn my light on to do any of my homework and don't want to wake Rae up (as I have repeatedly done already while trying to cuddle... sorry sweetie! :c ) I figured, 'blogging time.' Well, that and I am super nauseous and don't want to use up any more of my limited Primperan supply.

So yes. Therapy no. the First. If you can get past that, you can read on to the super exciting miscellany! Hooray!

Well, first off I admit that my terrible nausea is most likely not a byproduct of the therapy session, which began sometime around 9am and ended a little over an hour later. You know how you go to an hour of therapy and they always, always manage to make it last 45 minutes? B seems pretty young and perhaps hasn't learned that little secret yet,for which I am grateful. Admittedly it could also have been because I took an Adderall about 45 minutes before I went to see her and I was, as is the case when I'm on that stuff, literally talking her ear off. Seriously, I caught her trying to tape it back on.

3:33am... I'm giving up on sleep now. After 3am my body just doesn't get any rest and sleeping would literally cause me to be sick and drowsy all day no matter HOW much Adderall I put in my poor abused belly.

ANYway (as you can see, the effect wore off long ago), the session went... very well. I said before that she seems very young and inexperienced but at the same time she helped me out more in that hour than all my other therapists did over several sessions.

B pretty much just let me run loose in terms of conversation and we touched upon my confusion issues (she doesn't know what it is but it happened twice while I was in there), as well as my splitting people black, mood swings (both triggered by outside events and non), identity issues, what I want out of therapy (I think I probably said 'no more mood swings')...

I don't think I mentioned this in any earlier posts, maybe I did, but my sister and my parents revealed that I have a tendency to fly into rages, call them names, threaten to leave and never come back, tell them I hate them, snap at them... the best part is that I HAD NO IDEA. Ayep- some weird form of amnesia, I guess? Or I get so angry that I explode and block it out. So we talked about how that's bad, and she told me something totally obvious that had never occurred to me or anyone else before, at least not in those words:

"What am I feeling right now?"

When I wake up in the morning, I ask myself what I am feeling, and take steps to avoid triggering a 'bad day'- if I am irritable, don't force myself to be social. If I am happy, by all means, make plans and get things done. If I am sad, take steps to withdraw from other people and coddle myself (and cry to Rae, of course) until I feel better. Don't make the mood worse by giving into it- say, if I am feeling terribly self-harmful, don't look at triggering material or listen to trigger-songs (of which I have far too many to count), don't let myself wander into the sharps section of the art store when I'm getting supplies, etcetera. Likewise, if I'm super manic, I should probably avoid shopping altogether, as my last paycheck was far less than I anticipated. But (as usual) I digress.

The biggest thing we touched on- or rather, what took over the session and ended up causing us to go over the time limit- was my issues with leading a double life for my family's sake.

It's no secret to friends ad a few family members on both sides that Rae and I are engaged. Rae's entire family knows we are dating, I have traveled up north to her hometown with her for weeks on end and met everyone, and they all seem to like me pretty well.

My parents, sister, two or three close cousins, one aunt, and one uncle on my side know I have a girlfriend. My cousin M found out because she is pretty much my long-distance best friend. My cousin E found out because my sister and cousin A told her, and THEY know because I told them before my parents made me promise not to tell anyone. I told my uncle because he's gay himself and my aunt knows because she got drunk and asked me outright, gave me a huge hug, and likely forgot all about it.

It's a very big problem, for me, not to be able to tell my family about Rae. I can't describe how big, or why, in words; though I got close until I started crying (how embarrassing- crying on my first appointment!).

In any case, that went well... and then was the psychiatric evaluation. I thought I did that already, but apparently not? Or something? So I spoke to Dr. S, another youngish guy but one that definitely seemed to know what he was doing. He said he'd like for me to give the Lamictal another shot, since it worked before. And then, as troubles arose, we would adjust the doses or find something else. He did seem to think the Adderall was fine for me to keep taking; this is good news, since I've heard the stories- they won't give college kids Adderall in case they're just looking for a high or want to sell them. I did learn they go for minimum $4 a pill, but honestly I need it more than the druggie freshmen do, so I'm keeping it, thanks.

And that was my meeting. It was when I got home, before Rae went to work, that the nausea hit. I still insist that it was the super intense therapies. And it could have been (that whole subject, about my double life, needs its own post and I always get sick after talking about it). Either that or the Adderall I took this morning- after not taking it for over a month- isn't sitting well in my stomach. Especially since it's the first thing I 'ate' all day. Adderall and weak chai, extra sugar. It also probably didn't help that I downed a large cup of coffee, courtesy of Rae's landlord. It had an assload of sugar in it too. And then I didn't eat anything else until around 5ish when I made some ramen with curry.

But like I said. Intense therapies.

tl;dr version: It's 4am, I'm nauseous and can't sleep. Therapist says be more self-aware. Head doc says Lamictal and Adderall. The miscellany stuff I promised earlier is next post. Which I will start now.


+Eden.