On the Borderline - Life With BPD

And I don't mean any awareness days here. Today I had an interesting situation when in a sudden burst of clarity, I was able to see just how sick I am, how serious my BPD is compared to what I thought it was. It scared me so bad that I immediately fogged back up to "maybe nothing's wrong me me lalala."

I don't think I'm in denial. I mean, I could be, I can't be 100% certain I'm not, but I admit there is a problem and that it isn't trivial. But part of me- a bigger part- says that maybe it'll just go away. It whispers that I don't belong on medication as strong as Abilify. It hisses that I'm an idiot for thinking of inpatient hospitals. It purrs that I'm fine.

It lies.


Eden.

I learned that BPD causes instability with hobbies, plans, and activities as well as with people. This explains my 999,999,999 abandoned projects; my excitement at the beginning of something and my consequent disinterest. I have so many comics I want to do... as an artist, drawing is my life. I cannot get better if I keep having periods where I give up ideas and practice...

I'm scared shitless.


Eden.

According to Psychology Today, there are several types of Non-BPs, or those without Borderline Personality Disorder that interact with Borderlines: the Non-reactive Non-BP, who isn't drawn into the "chaos of the disorder," and the Reactive Non-BP, who engages BPD behavior in the Borderline...

This often throws the person off-center, and promotes a kind of parallel emotional dysregulation within them. The Reactive relationship style breaks down into two distinct sub-styles; transpersonal, or the trans-Borderline, and counter-personal, or the counter-Borderline.

The trans-Borderline is an individual who engages the Borderline character, and is drawn only to the chaos of the disorder itself. Rather, than being directly affected, s/he is more apt to stay focused on "cleaning up" after the Borderline personality. This is something akin to the "caretaker/enabler" role found in alcoholic relationships. In both cases, this person is characteristically co-dependent, or set up to be co-dependent in that relationship. S/he acts as enabler, or agent, or both.

The counter-Borderline, on the other hand, not only reacts to and integrates the Borderline style, but "reflects" it, as well. This individual is the most negatively affected by his/her relationship to the Borderline personality. Very often, this person will begin to behave in a manner very similar to a person with a Borderline personality. This type of relationship is very treacherous and, when talking about chaotic relationships with Borderline personalities, this is the sort of situation to which most people are referring. This type of relationship often leaves the Non-BP questioning his/her own sanity, and the "emotional hangover" of such a relationship can take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.

So now that Oph- sorry, Emily is here, Rae has more than enough to worry about; she has to deal with her usual problems (worse than mine) and now also care for a 7-year-old child. Emily's been coloring and playing online Nick Jr. games for a while. I wish Rae were here. I miss her, I'm not attached to the child yet. I just feel depressed and angry and I can't draw at all today, which makes me want to scream and cry. I'm a horrible girlfriend and an even worse friend, at least today.

I have to be stronger; stop complaining all the time. Rae has enough problems without me forcing mine onto her. I suppose that's what a blog is for.


Eden.

It was Rae and my 3 month anniversary yesterday. Our official one anyway; we've been unofficially together for about 7 months now. We had a bad day but it wasn't either of our faults- she had a manic episode and I was depressed because of medication issues.

Today I got a bit of a shock; imagine my surprise when Rae gave way to a 7-year-old! I named her Ophelia (she doesn't like that name). She's sweet enough, she was scared of me at first. I don't know how long she's been in there but it explains why Rae's been extra sensitive lately, according to Laia.

In any case, I'm bracing myself and getting ready to talk to the girl the next time she comes out.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure how my dose issue is going... Dr. Q ran out of 2mg samples and they cost $445 for 30 pills. Just... no. So my dad used his magical math powers to cut 5mgs into 2mg pills. After Dr. Q gives me enough for a few months I'm switching to a new psychiatrist. Dr. W gave me a name, I'll check him out. He works with children and lectures, she said, but he listens.

I've been moodier than usual; I'm hungry all. the. time; my dad told me to eat fruit since I'm so scared to gain too much weight. I pick fights more easily and I'm both clingier and more abrasive. I feel smothered more easily. I really, really hope I can go to college next month- we'll find out in a week.


Eden.

Found on this blog. Excerpts:

Usually I am given one "difficult" client to work with as case manager. But we've been short-staffed, so I have seven clients in all, and even though most of them are Level 3, which means they need to be seen only once a month and function relatively independently, I am kept more busy by case management than by what I came to do. Today I met with a client new to me, a young woman whose primary diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. Look it up. Borderlines are the clients who make therapists roll their eyes and shiver. In sum, they feel that they have no existence unless someone is paying attention to them, so they demand an extraordinary amount of time and focus, requiring the therapist or anyone else who deals with them to be strongly vigilant about boundaries. If I didn't have six other clients I would be more eager to deal with Sally. It's hard to love a borderline because they take so much out of you, but right now I am still able to see how much in pain and doubt she is every day of her life and to feel for her.

Also:

Some weeks ago I said that it had been helpful for me to hear from my mentor that you can deal better with people diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder (I refuse to capitalize "disorder") if you think of them as four-years-old. That was seen as insulting to some people. I believe, however, that people like Sally suffer from being emotionally arrested at about age four. Often, they are unable to really sustain being alone, and have an exaggerated sense of being alone and abandoned, as they are likely to have been as children. As a woman, Sally is certainly intelligent, presents herself well, is attractive, and is much more capable of sustaining herself independently than are most of our clients. But she has enormous emotional needs that can never be completely fulfilled. I don't know how much positive effect I can have with her, but I am glad to be given another chance at it. I like her, and care about her, whether she believes that or not.

Well, as insulting as it is, I truly DO believe that I am emotionally stunted. How unnerving to hear it from a counselor's point of view!


Eden.

♥ First of all, thank you Rae for your post! I love you! ♥

Second of all, the point of this post: Holding Down a Job. It is well known among the mental health professionals and BPD sufferers that Borderlines cannot hold down a regular job. I'm honestly not sure of the statistics but mood swings, anxiety attacks, bouts of psychosis, and too many "mental health days" often get people let go- or they quit for arbitrary reasons. "The boss looked at me weird," "I think my coworkers don't like me," "I'm too depressed to go in and work every day," and so on.

In my case, I work from home, and for my father. And YES, it's a Real Job, and Hard Work- I work in pricing, web content, blogging, some SEO (amateurish but effective as of yet), and so on. I get paid pretty well for someone who lives at home and never goes out. But if it weren't for my boss being my dad, I would have long since been fired.

x I work strange hours; sometimes less than the minimum, sometimes double it.
x I don't always do my work on time.
x I take too many mental health days.
x I don't go into the office (my dad always brought home my paycheck until we started direct deposit last week).

So my point is, yes, it can be hard to hold a stable job- hence why I never tried to get another job. Also I have a fear of people but that's a different post.


Eden.

I think it's time I say something. First off, my name is Rae. Eden is my wonderful, amazing girlfriend whom I love very much. And yes...she has BPD. It causes a lot of things to happen inside her head that I don't fully understand all the time and I can be insensitive and uncooperative when she needs me to be the exact opposite. Especially lately. We're quite a pair...she has BPD and I have DID, both severe personality disorders. But somehow we manage to make things work wonderfully. Usually.

Over the 7 months that I have known her, Eden has never had a very stable sense of self or demeanor. She fluctuates constantly between emotions and takes on life and she's dependent on her parents and me. I don't see it as a huge problem because she's just now learning how to be her own independent person, but she's right...it's not the healthiest thing for her. She tells me a lot that she's afraid of rejection and abandonment, especially from me. Some people would call it controlling, but I don't see it that way. I see it as her opening up to me and trying to help me understand a little of what's going on in that head of hers; especially since I would never do either of those things to her.

Sometimes she snaps at me, sometimes I'm a "mean horrible person". Sometimes we simply misunderstand each other and fight for like 20 minutes. But don't get me wrong. It's not like that all the time. In fact, most of the time, she is an extremely loving, sweet, and giving girlfriend. I honestly couldn't ask for a better match. I'm just as dynamic in my thinking patterns as she is and we really make an amazing team when we put our heads together.

I admit that I can be careless and sometimes downright insulting without knowing that I'm hurting her feelings or making her angry or upset. Most of the time she tells me and I apologize profusely, but I know that if I were anyone else, she wouldn't hear it. Lucky me. c:  (Not sarcasm.)

I can see that she has trouble on a day to day basis and it frightens me sometimes because she says it's getting worse and I can't help her. I'm not around enough to give her the emotional support she needs (I live in Va, she's roughly 11 hours out of my reach). I don't know how to offer advice when nothing comes out right and all I really know to do is listen and try to help her understand what's happening, even when I'm not sure what it is either. It's always stop and go, push and pull, leave - no wait. I admit it's hard on me sometimes, but I would never give up on her. I believe that she can get better; just have to find what works, first. I have faith in her and I know she's a strong enough woman to overcome this outstanding obstacle. I believe in her.

-Rae

I bought this book soon after I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (December 2009). I researched it before I bought it, having little in the way of expendable income. The original version of this book was called "I Hate you, Don't Leave Me". The prior version had a less than optimistic outcome for anyone with BPD or anyone whose loved one suffered from it; Sometimes I Act Crazy is much more upbeat; BPD is cast in a realistic light but never a pessimistic one. The only thing I don't like is the excessive case studies; though they are reportedly true life examples, I find myself skipping ahead. Other than that, this is a very informative book on the subject and I really recommend it!




Eden.

Enjoy.


Eden.

Today went about as I expected. Dr. W came in later than usual but I had a list. (This is the perfect thing for therapy- make a list about what you want to cover in that session!!) I told her about the fiasco with Dr. Q (detailed below); about the friction burns- she was unhappy about that but didn't freak out at me; I told her about the possibility of college in 4 weeks instead of September as well. She says college would be the perfect way for me to gain a sense of self, something I am severely lacking, as well as independence (also a struggle).

She did give me a handout for an interesting mood regulation strategy where you tap yourself.  I'll share that when I figure it out.

This is the latest Dr. Q story:

I was put on an antipsychotic, Abilify, to rule out the possibility of psychosis or anything more severe than BPD being wrong with me. Soon after I started on 1mg (the usual starting dose is 5mg) I was so jittery I was literally either jumping around like an epileptic squirrel on crack or staring at walls for several hours at a time. I was lowered to .5mg soon afterward. It helped my anxiety, and I stopped thinking I had multiple personalities (this due to severe mood swings and lack of self-identity).

I started hearing voices and music, which can be a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (temporary break from reality or psychosis). I was kept on the Abilify.

Well, when I went back to see Dr. Q, I told him I felt better and he gave me two boxes of 2mg and 4-5 boxes of 5mg "in case I wanted a higher dose." (Isn't HE the doctor?) He told me to cut the 2mg in half and take 1mg a day, and then he told me that when I ran out or wanted a higher dose, to cut the 5mg into fourths and take 1.25mg. Well, guess what pills are too small to be cut into fourths? So guess what dosage I'm forced to take?

I ran out of halves of 2mg pills and braced myself for the jump from 1mg to 2.5mg by taking 2mg for three days.

Everyone with me so far?

Now, the 2.5mg doesn't sit well with me. I'm pretty much a functioning wreck of a human being. So we called and asked Dr. Q to call in a prescription for 2mg. We'll see how that goes.

I hate when he tricks me into medication doses. If I don't go to college next month I'm changing psychiatrist.

Much love,

Eden.

My name is Eden and I am 21 years old. I decided to write about being a Borderline because, honestly, Borderline Personality Disorder- or BPD- is more widespread than Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia, and yet less is understood about it than either one- which makes it hard to diagnose correctly, and even harder for people with BPD to find support and even other people with BPD to talk to.

I first suspected that I had it when I was about 13 years old. At the time, I was depressed, delusional, self-injuring, suicidal, and occasionally hallucinated. I was alienated, I was all alone despite having a loving family, I never kept friends for long, and my mood swings were so bad that I was convinced I had multiple personalities (such as Rae, who actually does!).

My school counselor received a note from the small, depressed 13-year-old me that I was cutting myself badly. She told my principal- a nun, since it was a Catholic school- who told my parents. They were badly shaken and took me to see a therapist, a wonderful woman named Dr. G. (In an amazing stroke of irony, my current therapist, Dr. W, was hired to replace Dr. G after she left for maternity leave and then for a new job.) I also saw my parents' psychiatrist, Dr. Q.

Oh Dr. Q, the history we have. You are a nice man but I still hate you so very much.

Let's just say that you should never, ever give a 14-year-old Zoloft or really most of the medicine he gave me. I ended up tonguing most of them and hiding them, only to overmedicate every few days. My high school years are a blur...

But I am getting ahead of myself.

After Dr. G left for maternity leave, I was stuck with Dr. Q. I didn't like him and he soon referred me to Dr. K, a therapist and not a psychiatrist- which suited me just fine. I was still on medication, this time Wellbuterin for paranoia and Seroquel to counteract the side effects of Wellbuterin- one such side effect happens to be paranoia. I did not trust that man and he still wonders why.

Dr. K turned out to be a very... passionately negative woman. On the plus side her group therapy led to my first kiss, a pretty girl named Lola. (But that's a bit TMI I'm sure. ^_~ )


She was convinced I had to be committed. She wasn't the first but she was certainly the most vehement. My parents got tired of her always trying to make them believe I was batshit insane and took me out of therapy.

Before I left therapy, however, I ended up overdosing on Wellbuterin and Seroquel over the course of about three days. I truly intended and hoped to die, but my dad found out (well, I confessed; I was 15 and scared.) and he and my sister shoved water down my throat.

I ended up just fine, thankfully.

That was 5 and a half years before I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. And that's the basics. (You want to read something more specific, go read Rae's blog.)




Eden.