Now that I not-quite-officially have ADD- and more importantly, now that I have an adderall prescription- life makes just that tiny bit more sense. Although I've suspected ADD for a long time, my therapists never gave it any thought. Of course, they were probably far more concerned with the many, many other symptoms and indicators and behaviorisms and all; ADD can seem pretty minor compared to all of that. But hey, college is college, and ADD or not, there is plenty of work to do- especially here at art school, where your grade depends not on memorization and formulas but on how many hours of sleep you trade for getting those Conte portrait perfect and oh no the paint isn't mixing right it's not toned enough I forgot to use the dioxazine purple!
Anyway. Right this very moment, I am... severely unfocused. I haven't been able to hold on to a single thought consistently. I am sleepy and irritable (the latter for no real reason except the final projects are due in a few days and my back is KILLING me). I think the biggest reason the distractedness and lack of focus is bothering me is because of the adderall.
Because for the first time in my entire life, I felt like I was truly awake. I'm usually too tired to do ANYthing, and for no reason at all. And... I was AWAKE. For almost 48 hours, in fact. But the adderall kills my appetite completely so I decided to crash and eat when I woke up.
But right yes so. Awake. And not as easily distracted. In one night, I redid one of my projects from scratch and was able to not only make it look GOOD, but I got more done than the past 4 WEEKS that I have been working on it for. I solved a big problem with one of my other assignments. I did my part of a group project in less than half an hour, when it would have taken me a day to "get around to finishing it" otherwise. My mood improved. I was motivated to do everything I had to get done- and I GOT IT DONE. It's just... I can't even describe the feeling. I can't.
I'm not taking it until later today, mostly because I took more than I'm used to in order to pull an all-nighter and also because I just started taking it like, what, a week or two ago, and I don't want to feel dependent on it already. Even if, in a way, I am. It's not that I omgneedittofocusandlivemylife, but I can't focus on anything without it. I can't wake up completely, I don't want to get up and take a walk and do laundry and work on my painting and mix my colors and fix my portraits and study for my anthropology and oh yeah I have that appointment in an hour and a half and oh no I forgot to do work I won't get paid...
I didn't realize how bad it was until now...
Eden.
Anyway. Right this very moment, I am... severely unfocused. I haven't been able to hold on to a single thought consistently. I am sleepy and irritable (the latter for no real reason except the final projects are due in a few days and my back is KILLING me). I think the biggest reason the distractedness and lack of focus is bothering me is because of the adderall.
Because for the first time in my entire life, I felt like I was truly awake. I'm usually too tired to do ANYthing, and for no reason at all. And... I was AWAKE. For almost 48 hours, in fact. But the adderall kills my appetite completely so I decided to crash and eat when I woke up.
But right yes so. Awake. And not as easily distracted. In one night, I redid one of my projects from scratch and was able to not only make it look GOOD, but I got more done than the past 4 WEEKS that I have been working on it for. I solved a big problem with one of my other assignments. I did my part of a group project in less than half an hour, when it would have taken me a day to "get around to finishing it" otherwise. My mood improved. I was motivated to do everything I had to get done- and I GOT IT DONE. It's just... I can't even describe the feeling. I can't.
I'm not taking it until later today, mostly because I took more than I'm used to in order to pull an all-nighter and also because I just started taking it like, what, a week or two ago, and I don't want to feel dependent on it already. Even if, in a way, I am. It's not that I omgneedittofocusandlivemylife, but I can't focus on anything without it. I can't wake up completely, I don't want to get up and take a walk and do laundry and work on my painting and mix my colors and fix my portraits and study for my anthropology and oh yeah I have that appointment in an hour and a half and oh no I forgot to do work I won't get paid...
I didn't realize how bad it was until now...
Eden.
