Still raining. I wish I were normal. It's one of THOSE days today, with the unease of regret and wishing.
I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I do now- it's a recurrent daydream. I wish I could tell the old me that it's going to be okay, that suicide and hamburger-meat-arms isn't the answer. That it's alright if I'm a gossip and a bit two-faced because I can't control it and when I'm older I won't be that way anymore, I'll be in art school. I wish I could tell the old me that dating my ex is a mistake and a waste of my time and that it will ruin some very important things for me- my 18th birthday, my senior prom, all conventions for the rest of my life, my faith in people, my trust in anything. I wish I could tell her that I will meet someone more amazing than any fairytale or dream or fantasy. Someone who will respect her, love her unconditionally, treat her beyond right, do anything and everything for her. Make her feel loved, wanted, needed.
I love Rae. I love our relationship. I love our dog. I love art and music. I love most of my classes, usually. I love the choices I have made in life- Japan, art school, Rae. I love my family. I love my friends. I love how much progress I've been making, emotionally and artistically. I love those days when I'm reading a comic or a book while Rae's playing video games or watching a Duke basketball game.
I like how I look. I like how I write. I'm okay with how I draw, usually. I really like our landlords. I like my classmates. I like my social days (even though I think I'm annoying).
I want to be able to go to class like normal people, instead of having to skip because I'm behind on work. I want to get a job where I can make money. I want to move in with Rae without having to keep it a secret from my parents. I want to be in control of my emotions, not the other way around. I want to know that if I'm happy or sad it's because of a reason, and not 'just because.' I want to be able to concentrate in class and do my work without medication. I want to be more independent and not so clingy and dependent on Rae (which must be difficult for her, though she doesn't complain). I want to be able to take care of our dog. I want to feel affection for children and friends.
I don't want to be afraid of large groups of people. I don't want to flinch when a stranger walks past. I don't want to freak out about dirty hands- it comes and goes- I can spent two days with conte and charcoal and graphite and paint on my hands, and then for three days I'm pretty much boiling my hands in caustic dollar-store dishwasher detergent and scalding water. I don't want to be too selfish to have children.
I hate the delusions. I hate the hallucinations. The crazy moments. Our night crazies. The moments where the only thing in my head is hurt and pain for no reason. Hurting myself. Sometimes someone else. I hate that there's no damn reason for ANYTHING of it. At all. I hate the uncertainty of what might have happened to make me like this. I hate that nobody will agree to hypnotism or even feel like I SHOULD try to find out. I hate that I can't just be happy- for me, for Rae.
I want a life.
I miss you.
Eden.
I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I do now- it's a recurrent daydream. I wish I could tell the old me that it's going to be okay, that suicide and hamburger-meat-arms isn't the answer. That it's alright if I'm a gossip and a bit two-faced because I can't control it and when I'm older I won't be that way anymore, I'll be in art school. I wish I could tell the old me that dating my ex is a mistake and a waste of my time and that it will ruin some very important things for me- my 18th birthday, my senior prom, all conventions for the rest of my life, my faith in people, my trust in anything. I wish I could tell her that I will meet someone more amazing than any fairytale or dream or fantasy. Someone who will respect her, love her unconditionally, treat her beyond right, do anything and everything for her. Make her feel loved, wanted, needed.
I love Rae. I love our relationship. I love our dog. I love art and music. I love most of my classes, usually. I love the choices I have made in life- Japan, art school, Rae. I love my family. I love my friends. I love how much progress I've been making, emotionally and artistically. I love those days when I'm reading a comic or a book while Rae's playing video games or watching a Duke basketball game.
I like how I look. I like how I write. I'm okay with how I draw, usually. I really like our landlords. I like my classmates. I like my social days (even though I think I'm annoying).
I want to be able to go to class like normal people, instead of having to skip because I'm behind on work. I want to get a job where I can make money. I want to move in with Rae without having to keep it a secret from my parents. I want to be in control of my emotions, not the other way around. I want to know that if I'm happy or sad it's because of a reason, and not 'just because.' I want to be able to concentrate in class and do my work without medication. I want to be more independent and not so clingy and dependent on Rae (which must be difficult for her, though she doesn't complain). I want to be able to take care of our dog. I want to feel affection for children and friends.
I don't want to be afraid of large groups of people. I don't want to flinch when a stranger walks past. I don't want to freak out about dirty hands- it comes and goes- I can spent two days with conte and charcoal and graphite and paint on my hands, and then for three days I'm pretty much boiling my hands in caustic dollar-store dishwasher detergent and scalding water. I don't want to be too selfish to have children.
I hate the delusions. I hate the hallucinations. The crazy moments. Our night crazies. The moments where the only thing in my head is hurt and pain for no reason. Hurting myself. Sometimes someone else. I hate that there's no damn reason for ANYTHING of it. At all. I hate the uncertainty of what might have happened to make me like this. I hate that nobody will agree to hypnotism or even feel like I SHOULD try to find out. I hate that I can't just be happy- for me, for Rae.
I want a life.
I miss you.
Eden.
Post a Comment