On the Borderline - Life With BPD

I write this whole post on how I'm still around and then I disappear for... six months. Cos I'm awesome like that.

Since this blog is mostly about BPD, that's what I'll focus on here.

It's been a fun ride... note the sarcasm. A lot of misunderstandings, a lot of blaming others (by 'others' I mean 'Rae') for things that were, in recent retrospect, all my fault. Some new medication; Clonazepam for anti-anxiety (makes me feel drunk if I talk 1mg at a time instead of half or a quarter), Adderall XR for ADD (made me sick as fuck, body finally adjusting), Geodon for anti-psychoticies (took it once and had to stop due to crippling depression and being unable to stop crying and reminiscing about inconsequential past events that may or may not have happened)...

Someone stole some of my medication and I don't know who, but that's really Not Cool. I know that what I take is more like a recreational drug for college kids, or whatever, but I actually DO need this stuff. At this point I need the Adderall just to get out of bed in the morning; the Clonazepam is optional but the only thing that calms me down in a panic ohgodwhatiftheskyfalls situation... I blamed a friend for taking them and now I can't get over the guilt, having confronted her and becoming convinced that it was not, in fact, her. Again, cos I am awesome and blame friends for shit.

I'm ultra-hypersensitive to medication, it seems. My new doc (super cool older guy that comes to the college once a week) says it makes it much harder to find meds that'll work without making me super sick, and now we're down to two choices: Zyprexa and Lithium. I see him next week to get put on one of them. Zyprexa is in the same category as Geodon, Abilify, and Seroquel (SO not good for me), and can cause a LOT of weight gain (a bit of a phobia for me-- not a few pounds, but he mentioned as much as an uncontrollable 20-50 or more; so, NO THANKS); Lithium gave my friend permanent hand tremors, but is best for people who have trouble with medicine; hypersensitive or weak stomachs (I have both issues). So I guess I'll do my research and see what I should do.

If anyone's still reading this... any suggestions?


+ Eden.

It's been over a year, hasn't it? I'm still here. Not much to say though, really. Rae and I are stronger than ever as a couple and she moved to be with me; she's my neighbor now and I can hear her roommate play guitar through the floors. It's comforting. I have my (our) dog with me now too. I'm still in school, switched majors to Illustration. Working hard but usually hardly working.

I thought I'd gotten better. What would I need this blog for, if I was better?

But I was wrong. No more suicidal ideations for a while, sure. But somehow I crashed, this past week. I bought blades. I skipped class and was delusional and hallucinated. I got sick and now I'm writing this from my bed with a fever.

Last night though (unfevered, mind you) Rae and I sat for a smoke break by the front gate. Without meaning to, I exploded. I started talking and actually saying things, instead of just talking to fill up the silence. I told her about how tired I am. I told her about how I'm sick of pretending to be okay, how I'm sick of trying to fit in anywhere. How I'm sick of nobody understanding me when I tried to say anything.

We sat and talked for an hour and I realized several things:

1.) I love her more than ever.
2.) I am sicker than I thought I was, and it's time to really think about how to fix it if I ever want to succeed in life.

On another note, Rae's alters are gone. For how long, we don't know. It's been a long time since we got any word from them and she thinks they're gone for good.

tl;dr: I'm back.

+ Eden.

Life is strangely stressful and hectic for a vacation.

Started taking Adderall XR today. Will write about it later.

Don't forget about me til then!



Eden.

Eden has disappeared. She'll be back one day. Probably.    : )


++EDIT: I am indeed here! XD; Thanks baby.

My beloved brand-new Mac hiccuped the other day; the screen brightness is now permanently off and Apple won't help me unless I pay monies... augh! N, a friend of mine and my past roommate E's boyfriend, said I prolly need to get the screen replaced. It's been hard to be internet-addicted and I've gotten a ton of stuff done, but I miss Fuu-chan!

I miss Micchan's bigger screen though. :x I admit it.

E is going to get a storage unit tomorrow, and she and N are going to help me move things in, probably Tuesday after class. They drove me to get storage containers today, they're just so nice ;_;

I had a pretty big panic attack at their dorm room last night and E made me tea and N gave me a massage til I calmed down. They're just amazingly sweet people and I'm bummed beyond anything that E's leaving pretty soon, possibly even after summer but hopefully not til after fall.

See, I have a problem. I need help from people all the time. I'm very co-dependent. I can't go places alone; the day I rode a school bus by myself I was so excited and scared I nearly cried. I've only eaten by myself at the cafeteria once and that was while constantly texting Rae for support. It's bad.I've come to depend on E for a lot of things- walking to get cigarettes, even simple tasks like going to a nearby store. She's actually the one that got me started on counseling with the school; a few days after I met her as my roommate, she took me to the office and got me started on the paperwork and everything. She's really amazing and the best part is that she adored Rae too, so there's no issues with that. <3

Speaking of which, Rae supposedly got home over two hours ago. I was freaking out at first when I didn't hear from her, but she let me know that she's there about an hour ago or so. Now I'm worried she fell asleep without signing onto Skype.

Rae! Please come back!!

-sad-


Eden.

Oh man I'm totally obsessed with K-On! you guysss...

It seems Rae's comment feature isn't working. Does anyone know how to fix it?

*Fixed!*


Eden.

I have a HUGE problem with self-discipline. I always have a lot to do, but just one task can take me all day! I have ADD and I don't have access to medication for it right now. I have a big drawing due Tuesday and a lot of reading for tomorrow, as well as catching up on Art History.

I've tried schedules, energy drinks, written notes to myself, cell phone alarms... I'm a little lazy, yes, but I physically cannot get things done without Adderall. It's making me depressed and I feel worthless...

What do I do...?



Eden.

When I was fourteen, I was forced to go into therapy. It was my first time. I'd finally told my school counselor that my arms were completely covered in scars and dried blood from new wounds, that I thought I was completely crazy, and that if I didn't get help I might kill myself. Though, at the time, I thought everyone considered suicide at least once a day, but that's another story. In any case, my first therapist, and the only one I ever truly liked or was honest with, gave me a long and (holy shit expensive) psychological exam. During one of the sessions, she showed me the legendary Rorschach's Blots. Apparently there was a big controversy when someone "leaked" them to the public, but that means you, too, can look at them:
http://extraordinaryintelligence.com/1035/health/leaked-rorschach-blots-cause-controversy/
I never figured out what they were really supposed to be for. I think my therapist said they helped figure out what's in your subconscious, i.e. what you see in non-representational (which is not the same as abstract, but again, another post.) figures, but honestly, I thought it was bullshit. Still do.
So what do you see in them? [*note: I've played with the images and text for an hour and they don't line up right on the site... Sorry!!)






1. Two surviving Three Little Pigs ripping apart a person, or I suppose a wolf because that is how the story should have gone anyway. (Pigs are vicious. And cute.)










2. Two surviving Three Little Pigs kissing (touching snouts?) as they share a heart or devour the wolf's heart. Or the heart of their first brother. (Pigs are vicious.) They also have little red hats!











3. Two women over a cooking pot, presumably cooking a butterfly.Two dead bunnies hanging from their ears, which leads me to believe that is meat in the pot. As in, one or both of the little pigs. (Which were vicious.)










4. A frog. Once a prince maybe, but not a disgusting amphibian forced in between a folded piece of paper and squished. Ew.












5. Butterfly with two heads!














6. The two pigs are back. Maybe as demonic shadows of their former selves, angry with the women who killed and cooked them. Vicious!












7. Dancing bunnies! They're anthropomorphic.


















8. Two sloth-like creatures climbing up on either side of a Rorschach blot.

















9. Dragon heads on top. Magical pink creatures with cream puff heads on the bottom. In the center? Those damn pigs again. I'm totally serious here.


















10. The pigs have killed everyone and what we see are the remains of civilization. Vicious.












Of course, I didn't see all that when I saw them the first time. I gave simple answers. People. a frog. Rabbits. Butterfly."


I lied. In every blot, in every test I was given, I saw a rape that I don't even know ever happened.






Eden.