On the Borderline - Life With BPD

She's coming back Saturday instead of tomorrow. But that's okay.

I have therapy and psyche tomorrow, and I am hoping and praying that the doc will give me more Adderall. I can't believe what an idiot I am to lose my prescription!

Also, this house has more drama in it than Jersey Shore meets Teen Mom meets ALL the Real Housewives. D's dog got stolen from S, who used to own the dog, and the police never showed up to file a report (we called twice), and S thinks she's moving to House 2 when the landlords think she's batshit and refuse to even give her a recommendation for any other houses, and there was a guy at House 2 that attacked another guy so S is there as security only, she still has the dog, N and W are moving to House 2, D found another place, the house is getting foreclosed and we have to be out by Monday cos they're turning all the utilities off. House 0 (where Rae and I are going) is actually pretty far from my classes, which really sucks cos House 1 is literally almost across the street. Meanwhile, C, the crack addict who stole S's TV and stole almost $1000 from the landlords, was supposedly bussed off to rehab in Kentucky, but D saw him at House 0 with the landlords yesterday or the day before.

And this is just in the past TWO DAYS.

Therapy Report tomorrow!



Eden.

Still raining. I wish I were normal. It's one of THOSE days today, with the unease of regret and wishing.

I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I do now- it's a recurrent daydream. I wish I could tell the old me that it's going to be okay, that suicide and hamburger-meat-arms isn't the answer. That it's alright if I'm a gossip and a bit two-faced because I can't control it and when I'm older I won't be that way anymore, I'll be in art school. I wish I could tell the old me that dating my ex is a mistake and a waste of my time and that it will ruin some very important things for me- my 18th birthday, my senior prom, all conventions for the rest of my life, my faith in people, my trust in anything. I wish I could tell her that I will meet someone more amazing than any fairytale or dream or fantasy. Someone who will respect her, love her unconditionally, treat her beyond right, do anything and everything for her. Make her feel loved, wanted, needed.

I love Rae. I love our relationship. I love our dog. I love art and music. I love most of my classes, usually. I love the choices I have made in life- Japan, art school, Rae. I love my family. I love my friends. I love how much progress I've been making, emotionally and artistically. I love those days when I'm reading a comic or a book while Rae's playing video games or watching a Duke basketball game.

I like how I look. I like how I write. I'm okay with how I draw, usually. I really like our landlords. I like my classmates. I like my social days (even though I think I'm annoying).

I want to be able to go to class like normal people, instead of having to skip because I'm behind on work. I want to get a job where I can make money. I want to move in with Rae without having to keep it a secret from my parents. I want to be in control of my emotions, not the other way around. I want to know that if I'm happy or sad it's because of a reason, and not 'just because.' I want to be able to concentrate in class and do my work without medication. I want to be more independent and not so clingy and dependent on Rae (which must be difficult for her, though she doesn't complain). I want to be able to take care of our dog. I want to feel affection for children and friends.

I don't want to be afraid of large groups of people. I don't want to flinch when a stranger walks past. I don't want to freak out about dirty hands- it comes and goes- I can spent two days with conte and charcoal and graphite and paint on my hands, and then for three days I'm pretty much boiling my hands in caustic dollar-store dishwasher detergent and scalding water. I don't want to be too selfish to have children.

I hate the delusions. I hate the hallucinations. The crazy moments. Our night crazies. The moments where the only thing in my head is hurt and pain for no reason. Hurting myself. Sometimes someone else. I hate that there's no damn reason for ANYTHING of it. At all. I hate the uncertainty of what might have happened to make me like this. I hate that nobody will agree to hypnotism or even feel like I SHOULD try to find out. I hate that I can't just be happy- for me, for Rae.

I want a life.

I miss you.




Eden.

She won't be back til Friday afternoon at the earliest. But at least she gets to see her brother.

I woke up at 5pm. I'm so disoriented and incoherent. I don't want to do this skeleton.

It's still raining.



Eden.

I did indeed finish my project. It looks pretty bad, honestly, but I did my best in the time and mental capabilities I had at the time. I skipped class (it's in an hour and a half). I'm too tired to sleep, and oh what a morning...

Since last night I had a weird feeling that I was going to lose my student ID. So I basically kept it in my hand at all times. It's raining now, but before that it was that weird rainy mist- I'm clean, I'm wearing clean clothes, and after only two minutes that I stepped outside I started smelling like mold. (It's in my clothes oh god) Then it was raining. So I got off the bus, waited for the next one. Finally, wet but having successfully protected my precious project (see what I did there?), I get to the comics building, scan everything, and drop it all off on my professor's desk. Then I wait in the rain again for the bus, wait in the rain for the second bus... and as I walk towards home, a student runs after me. I'd left my ID on the bus.



In other news, I love this manga and I can't wait to order volumes 3 and on. It's a hilarious slice-of-life 4-koma with a strong emphasis on art school. Just my thing~ <3

Spoke to Rae around 5am-ish. Still miss her. Haven't cried yet today though. It's only 10am but I'll be passed out for a few hours before trudging over to the drawing building for tomorrow's midterm drawing, so we'll see if I can't ignore the emptiness today.

I miss you.



Eden.

Late update is late. (It's technically Day 4 I guess?) Just two more days, hopefully... I'm starting to think she'll be gone longer, but a girl can hope, right?

I don't know how much longer I can stay awake. I'm having those weird moments where I'm half delusional, which admittedly happens a lot when I'm awake too. I had 45 rough panels to do, which I finished. 3 thumbnail passes at all 5 pages, I did mooost of them. And now I'm on the last panel of page 2 for the final pencils. (It's actually page 1. I already did page 5 though.) Basically, the theme was no dialog, pantomime only, excitement and disappointment/sorrow or vice versa. So this couple, super in love and happy, get engaged. They throw a mini engagement celebration with their mutual childhood friend and get drunk. boy and friend wake up in bed, naked, and freak out. Fiancee girl snaps and murders them both. My professor said it was okay, so there.

The last of the creative writing stories were presented today. Two of them were from personal experiences- a girl having to choose between her boyfriend and a girl, and another one about a girl with Seasonal Affective Disorder (I think?) talking with doctors about her condition and medication and stuff. The latter hit too close to home, it was pretty uncomfortable.

Umm. Nothing new otherwise... I just wish Rae was here...... I hope she comes back before Friday (second therapy and psyche appointment, hopefully I can get some adderal!).

Three good things:

1. Rae comes back in 2 days! Hopefully...

2. Still kind of going strong on the comic homework!

3. My drawing professor said I'm pretty on-track and he likes my midterm project (due Wednesday, haha... ha...) and the sketchbook is looking good. I'm only halfway behind now.

Rae, I love you and I wish you'd said goodnight before you passed out but it's okay. <3

Sweet dreams my darling,



Eden.

Let's see... I woke up feeling pretty okay, actually. Last night I was doing my reading homework and I think it helped put me in a different state of mind. The last story especially- Summer, I forget the author, about a woman and her husband who spend a month at their friend's house with their two daughters and various women who come to visit their friend. I don't know why but it was pretty soothing. I'd forgotten how much I've missed reading. Creative writing is my escape class- I can read the 13 short stories in an hour, so I have time to do everything else. But it takes me away from where I am, where my stress is overwhelming and my Rae is gone.

I have a lot of ideas for the next story I have to write, and while I only got a B+ on my last story I'm certain that I'll do much better this time. It's mostly a few mistakes and I can avoid those now that I know what they are.

I miss her.


Eden.

So yes. I have food now. I have ramen and I will eat it eventually. Then I will do my reading homework so I can ace that quiz tomorrow, because I want to do well in at least ONE class, you know?

The breaking down is starting again. It happens when Rae isn't around for too long. I just really hope she comes back Wednesday. I miss her so much, and I miss the dog a LOT. I haven't talked to anyone (except S, to borrow her lighter for a couple days). My roommate N didn't seem to care whether we got to hang out or not so I left pretty quickly the last time I was at the dorm. I haven't seen V, and E isn't answering my texts again (we're on very good terms so it's probably her phone messing up again).

I hate being alone. But I hate being without Rae even more. If I had time to take care of the dog, then it would probably be much, much easier. I can't even go and visit him, or play with him at the landlords' place, or anything. Too much homework and it's not a short walk away.

I need to remember to get some Amp tomorrow. I'm good on cigarettes- I don't smoke much when I'm numb, just when I'm stressed out.

I miss her too bad to process it anymore I guess.



Eden.

I managed to be a bit productive today. I think venting on here really helps me get some of the pressure. I was wrong, I did cry today. Now Rae's on the phone with me, and I'm just trying to hide it from her. I think it's working.

I got some work done. I haven't really eaten today but I'll go make some food now. I got a C on my first comic project so I have to pull my grade up. Even if I stopped caring two days ago.

Will try to update later. Unless I forget.

Oh yes and also today I began taking 2 pills of the Lamictal a day. In 7 days I'll take 4. So we'll see if that helps the crushing doom-y depression and whatnot.


Numb,
Eden.

I have the uncanny feeling that my life is slowly deteriorating this year. I want to stay positive, and just focus on getting through this week and catching up next weekend... but goddamnit what the hell happened this quarter?

My adderall ran out and I can't get more until the end of the month. It ran out because I lost my prescription for this month's supply, and they expire so if I DO find it I might not be able to get any anyway.

I'm three WEEKS behind in my drawing class- that's 12 1/2 drawings, not to mention the skeleton drawing that's due next week- two weeks earlier than what my professor said before.

I have a comic due next week and I have no idea if I can finish this one on time- I barely managed last week.

I have no idea what I have to due for my writing class tomorrow. I went ahead and bought two of the textbooks that I think we're using the next two weeks but I'm not sure if I'm missing one or not.

I lost my beloved lighter. I bought it in Japan back in 2008 and I lost it today- it must have fallen out of my pocket. I've been walking and waiting for the buses and riding around trying to just get some school supplies since 10am. It's now almost 2 and I barely got home just a little while ago, made some breakfast so I can keep functioning... I left my debit card and ID at the house so I almost didn't get the supplies after all the trouble (luckily I had a credit card on me), but that means I can't get any Amp to keep me awake and productive tonight unless I go out and get some... but I'm so fucking tired, I've been walking and walking and walking for days and my feet hurt, my shoes are getting worn...

I don't know what to do. And then with the foreclosure and the water being turned off, and worries about how to get to classes once we move, and my parents not knowing a thing about the move (they think I'm at the dorms), and... I don't know.

And Rae's still not sure how long she'll be gone. She's so happy there, with her family and her cousins and aunts and especially her sister, her sweet healthy little infant nephew... I almost worry she won't come back but I know she'll miss me and Hot Shot. And anyway I have P, our baby. ^_~

Still, I'm pretty stressed out and freaking out, and have been this whole month.

We'll see how this month goes.



Eden.

So she's been gone about... I don't know. 8 hours maybe. I can't count. Anyway, I spent three hours working on my life drawing project- due Wednesday, even though we were told we'd have until midterm... two weeks away. Then it took me over an hour to get to the dorms. I bought a big sub, chips, soda, deodorant (since you took it with her), and such, and then it took me another hour to get back to the drawing building I was in earlier. I lugged my stuff to a convenient store to get more soda and a couple packs of cigarettes (please come home and monitor my cigarette usage and tell me it's unhealthy...) and then dragged everything back to Rae's place. I washed all the dishes and silverware in the room (come cook for me and argue with me about whether or not I can cook too), sat down to watch the Duke game... and gave up, because it's just not the same (tell me about penalties and fouls and who's good and who sucks) so now I'm sitting here watching Hoarders because I hurt my arms trying to carry everything home so I can't work on my homework just yet (tell me that was a dumb move and I should've asked for help).

This is dumb. Of course it is. She's only gone two states away to see her sister's new baby and to see her family. Only now she might stay longer and I miss her and the dog very much and I'm just proud cos I went at least two hours without crying today. So maybe tomorrow I'll be just fine.

S offered to give me rides anywhere I need, and just in general go to her if I need anything until Rae's back. I hope I don't get too depressed and end up engaging her in conversation or I'll never get my work done. I hope Rae remembers to call the landlords about the dog so she can tell me if he's okay, because I have too much phone phobia to call them myself.

Enough whining. Three good things:

1. My skeleton drawing is getting there, I had to start over today but I can do it if I make sure to keep going to the drawing building every day.

2. My comic project isn't as far along, but I'm excited about it and I chose a very simple drawing style so that I can actually get it done by Tuesday.

3. I... I'll figure something out.

Also, progress photos:

So Rae's off to see her sister, who just had a baby boy. Very good news! She left about... two hours ago, I think. I stayed here taking care of the dog until the landlord came by to get him (they're taking care of him while she's out of town). I'm staying at her place until she comes back, which was going to be tomorrow maybe but now it'll be later, probably around Wednesday afternoon.

Which is good! Cos I can clean up the room finally, and then start packing a bit between homework. Which I have lots of! I have lots of things to keep me busy!

Now mind you, she didn't get to see her family for Christmas, which was really hard for her. So it's very very awesome that she gets to go. Hence 'Super Awesome Trip.'

So I won't go into the super-selfish and totally not awesome dependency issues or how I haven't stopped crying since the dog left (I didn't really get to say goodbye :( ) or how I just wish she was back so she could play video games and play with the dog while I attempted to maneuver around her mess and do homework.

That's all.



Eden.

I can't remember if I already talked about this or not, or if I started it already and forgot, but here it is again anyway. My dad always tells me that every day, I should write down or talk about three good things that happened that day. They don't have to be big things- the weather was nice, or I heard my favorite song; anything positive.

So at the end of every post I make, I will include three good things that happened.

I don't know if it's the Lamictal- supposedly it takes time to notice a difference, though the last time I took it, it was a matter of days- but I feel much, much better. I'm having fun with my homework, and I'm in a much, MUCH better mood now- no more wanting to die, or being afraid of lows. I'll take each day as it comes and just focus on classes and Rae and getting better. I think it scared her when she read my last post this morning, but I didn't know how to tell her out loud and I didn't want to sound like I was whining or anything, so I thought it'd be better for her to read it.

Three good things:

1. I'm pretty motivated to finish my comic project and life drawing studies, and I have a lot of time to do them this weekend. (Is that two?)

2. Rae came up with a tasty-sounding recipe for dinner, since we're still living off ramen and coffee. :p

3. My refund check came in from school. My parents will take most of it (since they're paying for college and they need it), but they said I can have whatever's left, which will really help out!


With her fingers crossed,

Eden.

The last two or so days have been familiar. Not because of events or place or smells or people or anything, but because of the very distinct feeling that comes now and then, not very often but enough that it takes me time to shake off.

'I want to die.' It's a strange coppery feeling in my throat, clouding my head. It's very different from 'What if I kill myself?', though they both come at the same time. I wandered about in a daze... 'I said something stupid, I wish I were dead.' Or, 'I'm overwhelmed by this homework. I should be dead.'

Everything becomes a tool to that end. There's some rope in the backyard but I don't want to hang myself- it's too thin and there's nowhere to hang it from. There's cleaner under the sink but it's too easy to be found and taken to a hospital and I don't want to dump anyone with another fucking hospital bill. I have 60 Lamictal and I'll be getting 60 Adderall and would that cancel out?

It'll hurt Rae to read this, I know it will, but I followed her around, drinking her in, wondering how she'll be when I'm gone- not if- and trying to say goodbye with my eyes. There are a lot of high buildings in this town, that's how I imagined I'd kill myself when I was little and why not do it now?

And then just as soon as that happened I was sitting in my writing class and I hear myself saying, 'I don't want to die.'

Rae told me last night that I'm just going through a low. I'm tired of my moods doing this to me- what if I go through with it next time? Every single time I hit that extra-hard low point, I prepare myself to say goodbye. I give things away, give people money, tell people they can have my (many many) books or my art supplies. I stop bothering with homework, get behind. I tell everyone I love them, try not to think about Rae, grieving for a week until she dies from heartache, or my parents, forever dead inside.

But finally, I can see the light again. I'm cheerful. I'm getting things done. I don't want to die.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to die.

But what will happen next time?



Rae's been accepted into her university. Things are going really well, despite the house being foreclosed and her quitting her job and waiting for another one. I'm feeling much better.

Please, please, let this mean that I'm going up again. Please, please don't let this be just a brief respite from myself, just for the day, before I lapse again tomorrow.

I'm scared shitless.



Eden.

Last night was... well, to understate it, bad.

I had a huge amount of homework over the weekend and, honestly, I slacked a bit. First weekend of the new quarter, after all, and Rae and I were training the dog and having us-time (which is rare as hell during school and all but nonexistent during breaks). She's been stressed to high heaven with work and money and school issues and whatnot, so I admit that I put off this SUPER-BIG-COMIC-ASSIGNMENT until almost the last minute.

Well, the assignment called for 66 thumbnail images and 22 pages (10"x15") of tight roughs, which are basically one step above rough drafts but a step below actual pencils or inks. We had almost 5 days to do it. I did maybe 27 thumbnails and I barely managed to rush 6 pages. And it was due today.

So of course I didn't just panic- I had a complete meltdown. Literally, I stared at the paper wishing I were dead for about an hour, called my dad at 1am to prepare him for my imminent failure, woke up Rae (who had to be at work early this morning and hasn't been sleeping lately), and sobbed uncontrollably until I guess I passed out around 4 or so.

The best part of the entire thing?

The professor didn't expect anyone to finish. He literally just wanted to see how much we could get done. I ended up doing more work than most of the class. We now have a week to finish it, and our next project is 5 pages. We have at least a week for it, if not longer.

Yet again, another horrible end-of-the-world reaction to something that ended up being perfectly fine. I think the worst part of it all was that I hate waking her up when she has work. I always seem to need her right when she needs sleep most of all, and yet if she's upset she won't wake me up. God, I'm such a horrible girlfriend. I also freaked my parents out enough to where they called me back at 2am to make sure I was okay, called me this morning before classes to make sure I was okay, and texted me... to make sure I was okay.

And I wasn't. I honestly wanted to cut again, which I haven't done since... I think summer was the last time, and it'd been about 6 months before that. I just didn't want to exist anymore.

So this morning, before class, I finally remembered to take my Lamictal for the first time. I was wide awake, probably off my nerves, until Rae picked me up, got me McDonald's, and passed out with me for three hours. And now I have 9 drawings due tomorrow, a short story to finish up, and a long list of stories to read by tomorrow. Hopefully I can deal with the stress tonight, since I'm still a crying mess despite everything being fine. Hopefully I won't slash at my skin or actually off myself in the bathtub or overdose on Lamictal and Adderall or something stupid like that.

All I can focus on now is how upset I am about everything. My art isn't good enough- I don't like it. My drawings are due and here I am whining on the internet instead. Rae's asleep and I wish she weren't so short-tempered lately, and that I weren't always so oversensitive and stupid and making it worse. I'm a disappointment, an emotional and mental mess, and I hate myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me but please, please, after playing this mood game for so long, I can't do it anymore. Just make it stop...



Eden.

Scroll down for happier news! Yes.

Well, besides the nausea and the whole being awake at 4am thing, it wasn't really a bad day eventwise. I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but seeing as we get Fridays off schoolwise, I still have tomorrow (today?) and Sunday (tomorrow?). And I DO have a shitload of homework- first weekend back from class and I have: 13 stories for a quiz, 3 masterpieces to choose, 9 drawing to start on, and I have to tighten up a short story I wrote today (the only thing I really got done). That's all due Monday. Oh yes, and an essay that I already did last quarter and- ha- completely DELETED ffff.

But the fun doesn't stop yet! 66 thumbnails, 22 pages of rough comic, and 20 pages of reference research work due Tuesday. On Wednesday I get to choke down my fear of speaking in front of 30 strangers and read my short story out loud, not to mention the reading assignments I'll likely have to get done by then as well as other homework that will be assigned Monday and Tuesday.

And yes okay I know this sounds like I am complaining. But I will be perfectly honest- I am happy with this workload. Yeah, it's more than I'm prepared for and I had a bad day at exactly the wrong time, but you know what?

I have to read, write, and draw for homework. This is what I do in my spare time. It still boggles my mind- I have to do what I love? I don't have math or science or biology or anything else to do? Honestly, life is good. I'm not whining about it so much as stressing how stressed out I am.

Which reminds me- this book is actually pretty good about getting you to do your art. It basically talks about your biggest enemy- yourself- and how to overcome said enemy and produce work and be happy. If you get the chance, it's cheap used and go buy it now. Good times.

There are other things going on in my life right now, though. Moneywise, it seems to be all gone already- I made a little more than $500 in two weeks, which is more than I've made in a month since I returned from living abroad in Japan. I'm not sure where it went, probably school supplies and- ha- more school supplies. I won't lie, I already had a lot of the supplies I needed thanks to this being my third quarter; accumulating massive amounts of pencils, pens, watercolors, paints, inks, et cetera seriously helps out your wallet over time. Buuuut I'm pretty much broke now and I still need more stuff soon, such as many sheets of $5 paper (that's per sheet, in case you didn't catch that). And such. Not to mention the Adderall (about $23), Lamictal was $4-something, and I'm missing lots more goodies non-school-related that I refuse to ask my parents for help for. (They have enough to worry about.) Getting a job is out of the question right now, soooo I'll just have to squeeze by and stop spending money on anything else until next month. (My 22nd birthday! Hoorah! I just want money as a present. Yeah.)

Rae is going through FAR more stress than I am, and I'm hoping I can balance schoolwork and being there for her. I won't go into details, since it's on her what she wants to be let known, but if she's reading this, I hope she realizes I love her more than anything and while I tend to put school first I WILL make time.

Good News:

Sooo Rae and I are getting a dog! Well, technically she's getting a dog. But it's mine too since I'll be helping her train him, take care of him, buy his stuff, and so on. And also cos we don't really have personal property at this point, so much as 'our stuff.'

Rae's landlords rescue dogs; they have about... twenty-two or twenty-three now. And oh my goodness he's a beautiful dog- definitely has beagle in him and probably some bloodtick coonhound as well. He's a year old, abandoned by the side of a 4-lane highway as a pup. Despite being entirely untrained, after a few days (literally, not even a week now I think) of nonstop working with him, he now listens to Rae really well, sits on command, shakes (well, every time he sits he puts his paw up because he knows it's a 'good thing,' still have to get him to connect the action with the command), and will come when Rae calls him. He sits for me, doesn't jump up much anymore (the first day I met him, I came home with bruises, swollen bites from him trying to get a ball from me, and many, many scratches), shakes, and is generally much calmer.

The best part is that Rae and her landlord have been training him to walk on a lead. He'd been on one walk before in his entire life, and we started the training yesterday (Thursday). I missed most of it today, they went to the park while I was freaking out in therapy, but now he's doing super well. I'm impressed, the landlord is impressed, and most importantly, Rae is happy.

That should be all. We're going over there tomorrow morning again (well, in about 6 hours) so I hope I get some work done once the sun comes up...


+Eden.

(Scroll down for the tl;dr version, since I'm about to vomit up some long shit tonight. And I might also mean that literally.)

Today was the nerve-wracking first visit with my new therapist, B. By 'today' I mean it's 3:30am and I can't sleep, and since I need to turn my light on to do any of my homework and don't want to wake Rae up (as I have repeatedly done already while trying to cuddle... sorry sweetie! :c ) I figured, 'blogging time.' Well, that and I am super nauseous and don't want to use up any more of my limited Primperan supply.

So yes. Therapy no. the First. If you can get past that, you can read on to the super exciting miscellany! Hooray!

Well, first off I admit that my terrible nausea is most likely not a byproduct of the therapy session, which began sometime around 9am and ended a little over an hour later. You know how you go to an hour of therapy and they always, always manage to make it last 45 minutes? B seems pretty young and perhaps hasn't learned that little secret yet,for which I am grateful. Admittedly it could also have been because I took an Adderall about 45 minutes before I went to see her and I was, as is the case when I'm on that stuff, literally talking her ear off. Seriously, I caught her trying to tape it back on.

3:33am... I'm giving up on sleep now. After 3am my body just doesn't get any rest and sleeping would literally cause me to be sick and drowsy all day no matter HOW much Adderall I put in my poor abused belly.

ANYway (as you can see, the effect wore off long ago), the session went... very well. I said before that she seems very young and inexperienced but at the same time she helped me out more in that hour than all my other therapists did over several sessions.

B pretty much just let me run loose in terms of conversation and we touched upon my confusion issues (she doesn't know what it is but it happened twice while I was in there), as well as my splitting people black, mood swings (both triggered by outside events and non), identity issues, what I want out of therapy (I think I probably said 'no more mood swings')...

I don't think I mentioned this in any earlier posts, maybe I did, but my sister and my parents revealed that I have a tendency to fly into rages, call them names, threaten to leave and never come back, tell them I hate them, snap at them... the best part is that I HAD NO IDEA. Ayep- some weird form of amnesia, I guess? Or I get so angry that I explode and block it out. So we talked about how that's bad, and she told me something totally obvious that had never occurred to me or anyone else before, at least not in those words:

"What am I feeling right now?"

When I wake up in the morning, I ask myself what I am feeling, and take steps to avoid triggering a 'bad day'- if I am irritable, don't force myself to be social. If I am happy, by all means, make plans and get things done. If I am sad, take steps to withdraw from other people and coddle myself (and cry to Rae, of course) until I feel better. Don't make the mood worse by giving into it- say, if I am feeling terribly self-harmful, don't look at triggering material or listen to trigger-songs (of which I have far too many to count), don't let myself wander into the sharps section of the art store when I'm getting supplies, etcetera. Likewise, if I'm super manic, I should probably avoid shopping altogether, as my last paycheck was far less than I anticipated. But (as usual) I digress.

The biggest thing we touched on- or rather, what took over the session and ended up causing us to go over the time limit- was my issues with leading a double life for my family's sake.

It's no secret to friends ad a few family members on both sides that Rae and I are engaged. Rae's entire family knows we are dating, I have traveled up north to her hometown with her for weeks on end and met everyone, and they all seem to like me pretty well.

My parents, sister, two or three close cousins, one aunt, and one uncle on my side know I have a girlfriend. My cousin M found out because she is pretty much my long-distance best friend. My cousin E found out because my sister and cousin A told her, and THEY know because I told them before my parents made me promise not to tell anyone. I told my uncle because he's gay himself and my aunt knows because she got drunk and asked me outright, gave me a huge hug, and likely forgot all about it.

It's a very big problem, for me, not to be able to tell my family about Rae. I can't describe how big, or why, in words; though I got close until I started crying (how embarrassing- crying on my first appointment!).

In any case, that went well... and then was the psychiatric evaluation. I thought I did that already, but apparently not? Or something? So I spoke to Dr. S, another youngish guy but one that definitely seemed to know what he was doing. He said he'd like for me to give the Lamictal another shot, since it worked before. And then, as troubles arose, we would adjust the doses or find something else. He did seem to think the Adderall was fine for me to keep taking; this is good news, since I've heard the stories- they won't give college kids Adderall in case they're just looking for a high or want to sell them. I did learn they go for minimum $4 a pill, but honestly I need it more than the druggie freshmen do, so I'm keeping it, thanks.

And that was my meeting. It was when I got home, before Rae went to work, that the nausea hit. I still insist that it was the super intense therapies. And it could have been (that whole subject, about my double life, needs its own post and I always get sick after talking about it). Either that or the Adderall I took this morning- after not taking it for over a month- isn't sitting well in my stomach. Especially since it's the first thing I 'ate' all day. Adderall and weak chai, extra sugar. It also probably didn't help that I downed a large cup of coffee, courtesy of Rae's landlord. It had an assload of sugar in it too. And then I didn't eat anything else until around 5ish when I made some ramen with curry.

But like I said. Intense therapies.

tl;dr version: It's 4am, I'm nauseous and can't sleep. Therapist says be more self-aware. Head doc says Lamictal and Adderall. The miscellany stuff I promised earlier is next post. Which I will start now.


+Eden.