On the Borderline - Life With BPD

Well fuck it all, as soon as I get to the airport my flight gets delayed. I was going to miss my connecting flight and would have to spend the night in Atlanta, but I rescheduled it for tomorrow morning.

Rae isn't taking it too well. Honestly, I'm not either. I'm angry and upset and I NEED her, to breathe to live to calm down to exist to function, but I can't change it and I can only be glad that it ended up working well with her schedule. I'm a mess on the inside, and it's pretty ugly. But...

In the past, it would have been about ME. I'M upset, -I- missed my flight, it sucks for ME. But I'm far more worried about her. She's had a god-awful month without me, and I just wanted to be there with her...

I have to stop here. It seems so trivial for 'normal' people but I can't do this right now.


Eden.

...and a bottle of Carolans?

It's been a long month. I love my family, but my mood swings have been driving me up the wall and they're probably about to jump out a window. When I'm not angry, I act like a 6-year-old or worse. I actually threw a tantrum today. A stomp-on-the-ground whine and screech tantrum. Luckily only Rae saw it.

I'm looking forward to starting therapy. I don't feel like a functional human being anymore. I don't know who I am. I don't know how old I really am. Sometimes I think I'm autistic or something, my comprehension level is so low. Other times I'm convinced I'm some sort of genius.

Rae and I started a comic together. Once we get it up and running, I'll post some of the art here. The two main characters aren't modeled after us at all, but Aria ended up being BPD, so I can connect with her an awful lot more. Rae is the main writer while I'll be the artist. It was originally an on-the-spot idea to get her involved in something creative that will give her something to do that she would enjoy and work at. So far I'm the obstacle! I'm just too lazy... But it will have to stop soon, since I'm finally starting a comic class next month, as well as figure drawing and creative writing. Hooray!

Now I'm rambling. Goodnight all! And in case I'm not online again until next month- Happy New Year! <3



+ Eden.

It's been a while, again. I really have to work on updating at least a couple times a week. Rae seems super awesome excited, or as close as she can get to that, about her blog. She's using it as a healing tool- and we'll soon begin one of the hardest stages of therapy. I won't be with her physically until Wednesday night- or Thursday morning, however you see it- and she starts grieving tomorrow. I don't know what I can and can't post on here in regards to her therapy and her story, so I'll let you read it on her blog, which can be found here.

I came home for winter break about a month ago; despite being an adult, I'm not yet very independent from my parents emotionally or financially, so I haven't been able to spend a break with my Rae yet. But I'm hoping to take her on a trip for spring break. c: We'll see. In any case, I hadn't been home for very long when I learned that, actually, I'm somewhat of a horrible person. Which explains why my sister never talks to me.

She told me about many, many fights, which my parents corroborated, in which I called her and/or my parents horrible names, I screamed at them, I snapped at them, I was a rude little snot at best and a demon at worst. And the best part is that I don't remember any of these. I felt terrible, naturally, and when I tried to pull my dad aside and apologize for telling him I never wanted to come home again after graduation (I'd never say that...) I broke down pretty badly.

Only a little bit after that, I had a bad day and Rae caught the brunt of it in an argument that stemmed from a miscommunication. It didn't last long, though. Luckily it hardly ever does. (I think one of our longest fights recently was Christmas but it ended in both of us feeling bad about it and we went to sleep sorry but not fighting.)

So the tl;dr version is that my BPD symptoms are worse than I thought. I start therapy the first week of January and I also have a follow-up with my psychiatrist...s. I apparently have a small team or something. In any case, my goal right now is to enjoy my New Year's with my fiance. My second goal is to get a letter from my therapist and/or psychiatrist saying that I can't live with people so that my school will let me out of the housing agreement and I can get my own place. I can't stay at the dorms anymore. Especially not the freshman we're-all-monkeys-and-can't-use-an-elevator-without-breaking-it-repeatedly 17 going on 12 year olds.

Also I got a haircut and the end.


+ Eden.

Today I learned that pigs scream like humans. ._. I guess I used to be what I call a chronic vegetarian- I was vegetarian for 7 years, ate some meat, switched back, and quit. (My dad's Argentinian-meat Venezuelan-style barbecue is the BEST.) And now I'm pretty sure I'm permanently vegetarian and maybe somewhat vegan.

I probably won't be too strict on this but dear holy flying spaghetti monster I will never get that screaming out of my head again.

In other news, I may be somewhat of a masochist? Maybe? I have to be doing some form of self-harming behavior at all times. It's subconscious but true. If I don't have cigarettes I'm chugging white vinegar soup until I'm sick and I've almost got a hole in my stomach (true story- repeatedly). If I don't have that then I'm cutting myself (I've been 'non-SI' for months now though. Go me!). If I don't have THAT recourse then I'm overeating to the point where I don't even enjoy food anymore. I haven't been hungry in days and I STILL can't stop eating. If I'm not eating then I'm biting my nails until they bleed. And if I'm not biting my nails I'm smoking a cigarette.

So far the cigarettes are the least harmful (at least short-term) and I really really wish I could get some already. I haven't had one in 6 1/2 days and I've already done the vinegar thing twice, my nails hurt (I'm trying to grow them out since my bestest best friend is taking me out for a manicure as an Xmas gift) and I can't. Stop. Eating.

Note: My dad says eating fruit makes you not gain weight. I hope it's true. I don't want to be fat unless I'm happy eating.



+ Eden.