On the Borderline - Life With BPD: June 2010

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I am pathetic.

I have a well-paying, easy job. I work from home, whenever I feel like it. I get a mild reminder if I don't do my work for a while. I don't pay bills. I don't want for anything at all.

I complain anyway.

But I'm only human.

Habitual.

Why yes, I am smoking. It is delicious.

There are lots of bad habits. Smoking, nose-picking, nail-biting, belching (in a restaurant), chronic masturbation, dating underaged girls, boys, or both, laughing too loud, slurping soup, slurping soda, cracking inappropriate jokes in public, worrying too much about others' opinions, not caring about what other people think about you, and so on.

So yes, I am smoking. And it is delicious.

Ophelia

Anyone can draw. Drawing is a matter of looking at an object and putting it down on paper. The hard part is looking at something that’s not in front of you and seeing it clearly enough to draw it. Of course, technique plays a part- the right materials, line quality, tones, etcetera for the subject you are trying to convey. Perspective, contours, and so on. But it can be learned.

Today I wondered what it would be like to drown. It wasn’t an urge or a wish, though, so I know I am getting better a day at a time. It was never made clear, at least when I was reading it in class, whether or not Ophelia meant to die.

Today marks about three weeks since I stopped taking the Lamictal.