On the Borderline - Life With BPD

Needy tonight. Like I'm empty but overflowing and need someone to hold me together. My girlfriend finally was able to get a job after months of trying and she began today; she has to get up at 5am or so and I just want to wake her up so she can talk to me. I did already but made her go back to sleep.

I can't sleep. My room is hot and cold, my hands feel sticky (pet peeve). I'm thirsty and couldn't stop eating all day, trying to fill the emptiness. No wonder I've gained weight lately. I'm still underweight but feel fat, which is a new feeling for me.

I want my girlfriend's attention but I know she NEEDS sleep. She needs this job.

The nagging thoughts are back, 'stupid girl, kill yourself, she's too good for you,' yadda yadda. Whatever, thoughts.

-sigh- I don't like this.

Lately I've been obsessing over this and another (unrelated) forum. I don't get much human contact anymore and if I do in person I freak out nowadays. No wonder I'm so alone... especially since both forums can't constantly be updating. (other) People have lives.

I've been having odd thoughts lately, which make sense to me but all at the same time I know are strange.

Some are influenced by things happening or read or heard- like when I was re-reading the Battle Royale manga and had to stop because I was scared shitless that someone was trying to kill me.

Others are passing thoughts I grab onto, sometimes caused by tricks of the light... like on my swing in front of the lake, facing the sunrise, I've been watching the sun melt into the lake. It's real to me, it makes sense, it's a reality... but at the same time I can tell it's not normal.

Something that bothers me is when I grab a word I hear or think, sometimes a sentence, and count the words, strokes (to write it), rearrange the letters into patterns, add punctuation and spaces to add characters if I don't like the number it equals (I have a phobia of six)... it's exhausting and drives me NUTS. It's worse than counting steps when I walk, distributing the steps equally between left and right unless I'm mad at one.

Lately I have been hearing a thought. It's not quite mine, since I think in abstract (unless I'm fixating on a word and picking it apart, repeating it, making it into patterns in my head). Well, it's more a group of thoughts.

Useless girl, worthless girl, stupid girl, wasting everyone's time, why are you bothering, be silent, you're embarrassing yourself, just die, kill yourself, your words are useless, stop hurting Rae, you're getting FAT, stop eating so much... (I'm underweight as it is.)

Or the scariest, "There will be retribution."

If I do anything to my Rae that starts the words, like a sharp comment or a BPD moment that makes her worry, or forgetting something important- lately it's been reading comics while she's talking and not noticing when she speaks- then it's "there will be retribution. Punishment. She should leave you, she's too good to you, don't deserve it stupid girl, punishment."

I will make myself refuse food. I will give myself a headache. Make myself sick. Plan to hurt myself (but i promised Rae I wouldn't, so I don't, despite the voice turning into a RAGING screaming).

I've been getting an awful lot of headaches lately, from the screaming.


Eden.

It's early, but my lovely insomniac Rae is already asleep. Just a quick nap, we said, and then we can spend more time together. It's all through Skype, long-distance pain and longing and missing, but worth every pixel. But this post is not about her (for now). It is, as usual, about Me. You see, I need to clarify a few things.

1. According to Borderlines and "Nons" I have met online, Borderlines are more often than not cruel and uncaring. We manipulate to our own ends, and we like it. Most are abusive on the outside. In my case, I have always been a meek, kind, friendly Me, prone to turning my anger inward at myself. It was not until my therapist pointed this last fact out that I have started snapping at people. And yes, I am manipulative. I can make anyone love me, want to be my friend, do anything for me. The only times that I have consciously gone out of my way not to do so has been with my Rae- and I do indeed consider her Mine. Mine to love, cherish, treat like a queen. I don't have much practice in actually honestly loving someone, though I have believed myself to be in love before, but I like to think I am learning. At first, I showed my affection through care packages and letters. Now I am learning to be kind through actions, words, questions about her day and how she feels instead of just talking about me all the time. Speaking of which...

2. We are, generally, terribly selfish. Deeply so. In fact, I spend most of my time talking about myself, my problems, my worries and depression and illness, and even complaining that all I do is whine about myself- I honestly do not know how or WHY Rae tolerates this as much as she does. We did get into an argument about it yesterday (or was it the day before?) but I am working on being less self-centered.

3. I am a fake. A fraud. I have no history of trauma or abuse. I never had much reason to cut myself, except that I felt empty and invisible and nonexistent as far back as I can remember. I have the emotional age of a toddler. Why, I may never know. Maybe someday. But I do know that compared to most people with BPD- even compared with my Rae- I am an impostor of the worst kind.

4. I seem to be doing much worse, much too quickly. In the span of a month- no, maybe only a couple of weeks- I have been having terrible mood swings, irritability, aggression, delusions, temporary psychotic breaks, triggers to cut and hurt myself, suicidal thoughts and urges... I may be a fake, but my disease is not.

Can a fake with a real problem ever be normalized?



Eden.

I have really never been reacted to in a negative way, or at least not hostile- not for being gay, and not for BPD. Until recently. I belong to a support forum where a rather nasty poster who hates us all because of her one ex decided to bash us instead of seeking much-needed THERAPY.

I am not happy.


Eden

A bit like a bitch today. I don't care about most people. I don't. I just want what I want, when I want it, and what does it matter to me if someone gets cast aside? Keep up or GTFO.

At the same time, people who say something like "I wish I had your disorder" (a narcissist personality referring to DID) can go fucking die in a fire. Slowly. And alone.

Dr. Q gave me a low dose of Abilify (to cut down) and started me on Lamictal- 2 weeks 25mg, 2 weeks 50mg, and then on to 100mg. I was informed that DBT was a good idea, and that I should never have children because of the high risk of postpartum depression. While he thinks I would do well in DBT, my therapist has no idea what it is, has barely heard of it, and told me I'm not really fully borderline and that I should to go DBT.

Mood: Conflicted.


Also bought this workbook; will look through it and start on it soon.



Eden.

Although Dr. W doesn't seem to know much about DBT, I asked her if she'd refer me and she agreed to. There is a place about 45 minutes away that offers it. Far, yes, but not too expensive.

I've agreed, also, to stay with Dr. Q temporarily. On a trial basis, as it were. I am changing medicines and ending the Abilify. I am hoping for Lamictal, a mood stabilizer that seems to have the shortest list of side effects. (They aren't very serious, either.) Compared to Risperdal and Geodon, this seems more effective for mood stabilizing. Seeing as it is a mood stabilizer and not another anti-psychotic.

Oh shit Dr. Q is TODAY... ugh. Better take a clonazopam. Crazy fucking shrink.

....Excuse my French.



Eden.

Am I here? Do I exist? I don't think I do, right now. Rae is gone for the weekend, I'm home alone, nobody's online. I have just enough presence to realize I'm hungry and to type about it.

I am floating in nothing with an imaginary body in an imaginary world. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is eal nothign si real nothing is real

At least I imagined a perfect girlfriend.




Eden?

Dear ****,

I keep having a ton of dreams where we fight. Like, really, really go at it. After about two solid weeks of this I need to email you.

I really miss you and I am so, so proud of all the work you've been doing! We saw your portfolio and Mami sometimes shows me photos you text her (can you text them to me too?) and they look amazing!

To be honest, I'm scared about a lot of things lately. It turns out my disorder makes me seem like a bad person. And it gets much, much worse before it gets better. Most people never 'recover.' It causes a lot of problems.

Please read this over when you get the chance: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/health/16brod.html?_r=2&em

I'd send you a book but you're waaay too busy to read it.

BPD means I'm emotionally unstable all the time. I'm dependent on people. I have no sense of self (when I'm alone I don't exist). I start fights because I don't want you to abandon me, so I'd rather shove you away before you can do it to me. I think I did a damn good job, wouldn't you agree? We hardly ever talk at all and I know it's more than half my fault.

I try to text you more often but it's too late- you're too busy with school and I'm not as important anymore. You call mami and daddy and they never tell me, so I never get to talk to you on the phone. I miss you so much...

I'm getting a lot of therapy. I'm becoming someone you would really like. I wish I'd gotten it earlier so this wouldn't have happened.

I love you.



Eden.

Eden hasn't updated in a few days, so I figured I'd speak up for her. A lot has been going on recently - bouts of depression, anger, worthlessness - the typical mood swings for her lately. I've been doing my best to help her feel like she's not just complaining all the time and to help her see that I genuinely want to know what's going on, even if it comes out as "whining."

She went back to 1mg of Abilify today, thankfully. She seemed to be much better. She drew something and crafted a few things. We had an overall good day today. She's having a little trouble right now though. Apparently her mood swings are getting pretty bad and she's having a hard time being around her family. She's watching 2012 with them (so jealous. x_x) and helping with dinner. I love that her family is so involved in her life. She really has an amazing support system at home, even if her parents don't always pay attention or understand what she's trying to tell them. They love her almost as much as I do, which says something because I can't breathe without the girl.

Anyways, I'm hoping for an improvement soon. Maybe decreasing the Abilify again will make things a little better for her. We're super anxious about finding out if she's going to college this month (SCAD, by the way. My baby's brilliant). She said if she doesn't go, she'll come visit me! :D I am happy with either one because both are beneficial to her well-being. Though, I admit, I'm a titch selfish and want her to come up here, but I really won't complain if she can't. Education should be the main priority for both of us. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.