The last two or so days have been familiar. Not because of events or place or smells or people or anything, but because of the very distinct feeling that comes now and then, not very often but enough that it takes me time to shake off.
'I want to die.' It's a strange coppery feeling in my throat, clouding my head. It's very different from 'What if I kill myself?', though they both come at the same time. I wandered about in a daze... 'I said something stupid, I wish I were dead.' Or, 'I'm overwhelmed by this homework. I should be dead.'
Everything becomes a tool to that end. There's some rope in the backyard but I don't want to hang myself- it's too thin and there's nowhere to hang it from. There's cleaner under the sink but it's too easy to be found and taken to a hospital and I don't want to dump anyone with another fucking hospital bill. I have 60 Lamictal and I'll be getting 60 Adderall and would that cancel out?
It'll hurt Rae to read this, I know it will, but I followed her around, drinking her in, wondering how she'll be when I'm gone- not if- and trying to say goodbye with my eyes. There are a lot of high buildings in this town, that's how I imagined I'd kill myself when I was little and why not do it now?
And then just as soon as that happened I was sitting in my writing class and I hear myself saying, 'I don't want to die.'
Rae told me last night that I'm just going through a low. I'm tired of my moods doing this to me- what if I go through with it next time? Every single time I hit that extra-hard low point, I prepare myself to say goodbye. I give things away, give people money, tell people they can have my (many many) books or my art supplies. I stop bothering with homework, get behind. I tell everyone I love them, try not to think about Rae, grieving for a week until she dies from heartache, or my parents, forever dead inside.
But finally, I can see the light again. I'm cheerful. I'm getting things done. I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
But what will happen next time?
Rae's been accepted into her university. Things are going really well, despite the house being foreclosed and her quitting her job and waiting for another one. I'm feeling much better.
Please, please, let this mean that I'm going up again. Please, please don't let this be just a brief respite from myself, just for the day, before I lapse again tomorrow.
I'm scared shitless.
Eden.
'I want to die.' It's a strange coppery feeling in my throat, clouding my head. It's very different from 'What if I kill myself?', though they both come at the same time. I wandered about in a daze... 'I said something stupid, I wish I were dead.' Or, 'I'm overwhelmed by this homework. I should be dead.'
Everything becomes a tool to that end. There's some rope in the backyard but I don't want to hang myself- it's too thin and there's nowhere to hang it from. There's cleaner under the sink but it's too easy to be found and taken to a hospital and I don't want to dump anyone with another fucking hospital bill. I have 60 Lamictal and I'll be getting 60 Adderall and would that cancel out?
It'll hurt Rae to read this, I know it will, but I followed her around, drinking her in, wondering how she'll be when I'm gone- not if- and trying to say goodbye with my eyes. There are a lot of high buildings in this town, that's how I imagined I'd kill myself when I was little and why not do it now?
And then just as soon as that happened I was sitting in my writing class and I hear myself saying, 'I don't want to die.'
Rae told me last night that I'm just going through a low. I'm tired of my moods doing this to me- what if I go through with it next time? Every single time I hit that extra-hard low point, I prepare myself to say goodbye. I give things away, give people money, tell people they can have my (many many) books or my art supplies. I stop bothering with homework, get behind. I tell everyone I love them, try not to think about Rae, grieving for a week until she dies from heartache, or my parents, forever dead inside.
But finally, I can see the light again. I'm cheerful. I'm getting things done. I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
But what will happen next time?
Rae's been accepted into her university. Things are going really well, despite the house being foreclosed and her quitting her job and waiting for another one. I'm feeling much better.
Please, please, let this mean that I'm going up again. Please, please don't let this be just a brief respite from myself, just for the day, before I lapse again tomorrow.
I'm scared shitless.
Eden.
January 20, 2011 at 3:07 PM
Don't mind my commenting on a week-old entry. ^^;
When I get hopelessly depressed, I don't usually get suicidal. Not genuinely, anyway. I imagine being dead, and can picture myself dying, but I never actually get the urge to attempt it. I do understand all to well the feeling of not wanting to exist. And of being so, so sick of mood swings. That's not all of what you're dealing with, though.
So, I'm in no position to give you advice, but one part of this entry particularly struck me. You said you "hear yourself saying" that you don't want to die. I'm going to assume you didn't randomly blurt that out in class and that you heard it in your head (correct me if I'm wrong). You still specifically used the word "saying" and not "thinking," though.
Auditory input is processed differently than mental rumination. Next time this sort of thing happens and you're in the kind of environment where you can do this, you might want to say "I don't want to die," clearly, out loud. Dunno if you've already tried it. But if not, it can be a counter to your nihilistic feelings coming from a different source (audio).
January 20, 2011 at 9:57 PM
Week-old entry comments are fine too~ :3
I did indeed hear it in my head. It was kind of like a bucket of ice water over my head- it really brought me out of the worst of it. The next time that happens (hopefully not soon) I'd love to talk your advice and say it aloud. It's just a scary time and luckily the edge passed after 3-4 days, which is quicker than usual. So now all is well.
January 21, 2011 at 6:31 PM
yer its important to wirte the good things down you can see this as progress rather than the other way round i do occasionaly write stuff like that down makes me feel good
January 21, 2011 at 8:43 PM
Still, at times like that...3-4 days feels like forever.