On the Borderline - Life With BPD

So it's getting worse lately. The mood swings, impulsiveness, splitting, all of that. I don't know if it's because I need to adjust my medication or because Rae isn't around anymore to keep it in check, but now I'm scared because BPD is something that gets worse as one gets older. It tapers off eventually, yeah… usually at or after middle age and a lot of elderly people still have it. And about… 10%, I think it was, kill themselves before it gets any better anyway.

Not that I'm resorting to that. I just wish I could get a fucking appointment sometime in the next yesterday, but it's nearly impossible to get through to the counseling office I go to. They never answer the damn phone and I can't find the direct line to my therapist's or head doc's answering machines.

I need therapy, I need a higher dose, and I need Rae.


I can't complain too much though. I started class today. Art History isn't as bad as I thought it'd be and Satire in Great Literature is proving to be an amazing class. Tomorrow is my Drawing for Comics class, which I'm super excited about! I just had a lot of mood swings today. I blame my headache- throbbing stabbing pain whenever I turn my head or there are too many bright lights, I can't focus my eyes or think and I'm worried my ADD is kicking into high-gear too.

I don't know. I'm stopping here.



eden.

Title indeed taken from the book I am linking here.

Things are... weird, I guess. I didn't say too much in the last post.

I did indeed tell my parents that Rae and I are engaged. They took it surprisingly well, actually. Then we got kicked out of the house with less than two days' notice. Landlady was sober, for once, and found a way to keep the house- but that apparently meant nobody else could be there? Oh right, and also we were trying to steal her dog, but then we didn't care if it died, and something about suing me for dirty dishes. Right.

Anyway, my parents gave us the money for a storage unit. Then they lent me my paycheck money until I actually got paid and could give it back. Saved our asses and bought Mia dog food.

Speaking of which, my beautiful gorgeous baby girl, Mia~ <3 She's the sweetest thing, and I am so happy to have her! She was my Valentine's Day gift from Rae. ...Except that now she's in another state. Along with Rae. -sigh- In any case, classes are starting up again next week. My parents are so worried about me, since Rae's gone and all, that they're canceling my plane ticket and driving me back up to the dorm- about 5 hours one way- to make sure I'll get settled in, get some groceries, some essentials, art supplies. I got my first non-A in a class. A fucking 71. I can't believe it... I had an 89, all I needed was one last project to get an A, and three hours before the deadline I'm so sleep-deprived that I'm fainting and sick as a dog... and I can't finish it. Three nights in a row of no sleep and I didn't finish my final project and couldn't go to class cos I was too sick. So I baaaarely got a C. FUCK.

Anyway, there goes my 4.0. But I can still try for scholarships starting April 1st, and I should still have a high GPA right? I don't know how to calculate it, I'll have to wait until the final grades are officially out. My life drawing professor promised me that I got bumped up to a 90 (from an 89.5) so I hope he doesn't forget or I swear I'll beat him with his own sketchbook. It's still not showing up.

I probably sound like a whiny brat, but honestly, I NEED these grades. I NEED these scholarships. My family's running out of money, the business is losing money, my mom and dad are bother working from 9am to midnight every day and they're tired and stressed and everyone's broke and we NEED this. I need this.

But ah-ha, don't forget, this is a BPD blog (supposedly).

So, the Lamictal seems to be working. I can't get ahold of anyone at therapy to schedule an appointment, which is bad cos I ran out of Adderall and I wanted to up my Lamictal. The moods are still prominently there but it's not as bad as when I don't take it. Also, I forgot it for about a week and Rae says I drove her NUTS.

I'll ask her to write a post in here about that later.

I lost a ton of weight. I was underweight to begin with, but I came home weighing less than 90 lbs. And that's bad. So I'm up to about 96 now, which is about my average. My dad's freaking out saying I have to reach 100 but honestly, I've never been 100 in my life. My body just doesn't do it. -shrug-

With Rae gone, I'm throwing myself into art. I have nothing else.

I'm going to draw, and make comics, and write, and read, and make steampunk and dieselpunk hair accessories and pins, and I'm going to be awesome. Cos when I graduate in 3 years I want to already be making money. My dad started his first company before he graduated college, and my sister has a ton of awesome ideas for an Etsy shop that wil definitely sell, so I have lots to do.

I'm going to make this year my bitch. That or I'll have another suicidal streak and fail. Again.



Eden.

You know how, sometimes, you get to a point when you sit up and go, "How the Hell did I get here?"

Things change and you feel like you've been hit by a freight train. One minute you're starting college and your girlfriend is visiting you. Next thing you know, you're engaged, you have a puppy, she's homeless and jobless, and you're telling her between wracking sobs and pathetic wailing that she has to take the dog and move 7 hours away with her best friend and stay there for 5 months, no 9, well maybe 2-3 years.

I just... I don't know anymore.

I don't regret my decision and I know she doesn't either. Our puppy needs somewhere to live where she can stretch out her paws. She's going to get big, the backseat just isn't enough. Rae needs a roof over her head, a bed to sleep in. She needs heat at night and air conditioning during the day. She needs electricity and running water. Her best friend's an awesome guy, he'll help her get a job and with her sharing rent and bills they'll both be able to put some money away.

But she's so far away again, just when we thought everything would be okay, and our little girl's going to get big without me.



eden.