It's early, but my lovely insomniac Rae is already asleep. Just a quick nap, we said, and then we can spend more time together. It's all through Skype, long-distance pain and longing and missing, but worth every pixel. But this post is not about her (for now). It is, as usual, about Me. You see, I need to clarify a few things.
1. According to Borderlines and "Nons" I have met online, Borderlines are more often than not cruel and uncaring. We manipulate to our own ends, and we like it. Most are abusive on the outside. In my case, I have always been a meek, kind, friendly Me, prone to turning my anger inward at myself. It was not until my therapist pointed this last fact out that I have started snapping at people. And yes, I am manipulative. I can make anyone love me, want to be my friend, do anything for me. The only times that I have consciously gone out of my way not to do so has been with my Rae- and I do indeed consider her Mine. Mine to love, cherish, treat like a queen. I don't have much practice in actually honestly loving someone, though I have believed myself to be in love before, but I like to think I am learning. At first, I showed my affection through care packages and letters. Now I am learning to be kind through actions, words, questions about her day and how she feels instead of just talking about me all the time. Speaking of which...
2. We are, generally, terribly selfish. Deeply so. In fact, I spend most of my time talking about myself, my problems, my worries and depression and illness, and even complaining that all I do is whine about myself- I honestly do not know how or WHY Rae tolerates this as much as she does. We did get into an argument about it yesterday (or was it the day before?) but I am working on being less self-centered.
3. I am a fake. A fraud. I have no history of trauma or abuse. I never had much reason to cut myself, except that I felt empty and invisible and nonexistent as far back as I can remember. I have the emotional age of a toddler. Why, I may never know. Maybe someday. But I do know that compared to most people with BPD- even compared with my Rae- I am an impostor of the worst kind.
4. I seem to be doing much worse, much too quickly. In the span of a month- no, maybe only a couple of weeks- I have been having terrible mood swings, irritability, aggression, delusions, temporary psychotic breaks, triggers to cut and hurt myself, suicidal thoughts and urges... I may be a fake, but my disease is not.
Can a fake with a real problem ever be normalized?
Eden.
1. According to Borderlines and "Nons" I have met online, Borderlines are more often than not cruel and uncaring. We manipulate to our own ends, and we like it. Most are abusive on the outside. In my case, I have always been a meek, kind, friendly Me, prone to turning my anger inward at myself. It was not until my therapist pointed this last fact out that I have started snapping at people. And yes, I am manipulative. I can make anyone love me, want to be my friend, do anything for me. The only times that I have consciously gone out of my way not to do so has been with my Rae- and I do indeed consider her Mine. Mine to love, cherish, treat like a queen. I don't have much practice in actually honestly loving someone, though I have believed myself to be in love before, but I like to think I am learning. At first, I showed my affection through care packages and letters. Now I am learning to be kind through actions, words, questions about her day and how she feels instead of just talking about me all the time. Speaking of which...
2. We are, generally, terribly selfish. Deeply so. In fact, I spend most of my time talking about myself, my problems, my worries and depression and illness, and even complaining that all I do is whine about myself- I honestly do not know how or WHY Rae tolerates this as much as she does. We did get into an argument about it yesterday (or was it the day before?) but I am working on being less self-centered.
3. I am a fake. A fraud. I have no history of trauma or abuse. I never had much reason to cut myself, except that I felt empty and invisible and nonexistent as far back as I can remember. I have the emotional age of a toddler. Why, I may never know. Maybe someday. But I do know that compared to most people with BPD- even compared with my Rae- I am an impostor of the worst kind.
4. I seem to be doing much worse, much too quickly. In the span of a month- no, maybe only a couple of weeks- I have been having terrible mood swings, irritability, aggression, delusions, temporary psychotic breaks, triggers to cut and hurt myself, suicidal thoughts and urges... I may be a fake, but my disease is not.
Can a fake with a real problem ever be normalized?
Eden.
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