I've been having odd thoughts lately, which make sense to me but all at the same time I know are strange.
Some are influenced by things happening or read or heard- like when I was re-reading the Battle Royale manga and had to stop because I was scared shitless that someone was trying to kill me.
Others are passing thoughts I grab onto, sometimes caused by tricks of the light... like on my swing in front of the lake, facing the sunrise, I've been watching the sun melt into the lake. It's real to me, it makes sense, it's a reality... but at the same time I can tell it's not normal.
Something that bothers me is when I grab a word I hear or think, sometimes a sentence, and count the words, strokes (to write it), rearrange the letters into patterns, add punctuation and spaces to add characters if I don't like the number it equals (I have a phobia of six)... it's exhausting and drives me NUTS. It's worse than counting steps when I walk, distributing the steps equally between left and right unless I'm mad at one.
Lately I have been hearing a thought. It's not quite mine, since I think in abstract (unless I'm fixating on a word and picking it apart, repeating it, making it into patterns in my head). Well, it's more a group of thoughts.
Useless girl, worthless girl, stupid girl, wasting everyone's time, why are you bothering, be silent, you're embarrassing yourself, just die, kill yourself, your words are useless, stop hurting Rae, you're getting FAT, stop eating so much... (I'm underweight as it is.)
Or the scariest, "There will be retribution."
If I do anything to my Rae that starts the words, like a sharp comment or a BPD moment that makes her worry, or forgetting something important- lately it's been reading comics while she's talking and not noticing when she speaks- then it's "there will be retribution. Punishment. She should leave you, she's too good to you, don't deserve it stupid girl, punishment."
I will make myself refuse food. I will give myself a headache. Make myself sick. Plan to hurt myself (but i promised Rae I wouldn't, so I don't, despite the voice turning into a RAGING screaming).
I've been getting an awful lot of headaches lately, from the screaming.
Eden.
Some are influenced by things happening or read or heard- like when I was re-reading the Battle Royale manga and had to stop because I was scared shitless that someone was trying to kill me.
Others are passing thoughts I grab onto, sometimes caused by tricks of the light... like on my swing in front of the lake, facing the sunrise, I've been watching the sun melt into the lake. It's real to me, it makes sense, it's a reality... but at the same time I can tell it's not normal.
Something that bothers me is when I grab a word I hear or think, sometimes a sentence, and count the words, strokes (to write it), rearrange the letters into patterns, add punctuation and spaces to add characters if I don't like the number it equals (I have a phobia of six)... it's exhausting and drives me NUTS. It's worse than counting steps when I walk, distributing the steps equally between left and right unless I'm mad at one.
Lately I have been hearing a thought. It's not quite mine, since I think in abstract (unless I'm fixating on a word and picking it apart, repeating it, making it into patterns in my head). Well, it's more a group of thoughts.
Useless girl, worthless girl, stupid girl, wasting everyone's time, why are you bothering, be silent, you're embarrassing yourself, just die, kill yourself, your words are useless, stop hurting Rae, you're getting FAT, stop eating so much... (I'm underweight as it is.)
Or the scariest, "There will be retribution."
If I do anything to my Rae that starts the words, like a sharp comment or a BPD moment that makes her worry, or forgetting something important- lately it's been reading comics while she's talking and not noticing when she speaks- then it's "there will be retribution. Punishment. She should leave you, she's too good to you, don't deserve it stupid girl, punishment."
I will make myself refuse food. I will give myself a headache. Make myself sick. Plan to hurt myself (but i promised Rae I wouldn't, so I don't, despite the voice turning into a RAGING screaming).
I've been getting an awful lot of headaches lately, from the screaming.
Eden.
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