It's been a while, again. I really have to work on updating at least a couple times a week. Rae seems super awesome excited, or as close as she can get to that, about her blog. She's using it as a healing tool- and we'll soon begin one of the hardest stages of therapy. I won't be with her physically until Wednesday night- or Thursday morning, however you see it- and she starts grieving tomorrow. I don't know what I can and can't post on here in regards to her therapy and her story, so I'll let you read it on her blog, which can be found here.
I came home for winter break about a month ago; despite being an adult, I'm not yet very independent from my parents emotionally or financially, so I haven't been able to spend a break with my Rae yet. But I'm hoping to take her on a trip for spring break. c: We'll see. In any case, I hadn't been home for very long when I learned that, actually, I'm somewhat of a horrible person. Which explains why my sister never talks to me.
She told me about many, many fights, which my parents corroborated, in which I called her and/or my parents horrible names, I screamed at them, I snapped at them, I was a rude little snot at best and a demon at worst. And the best part is that I don't remember any of these. I felt terrible, naturally, and when I tried to pull my dad aside and apologize for telling him I never wanted to come home again after graduation (I'd never say that...) I broke down pretty badly.
Only a little bit after that, I had a bad day and Rae caught the brunt of it in an argument that stemmed from a miscommunication. It didn't last long, though. Luckily it hardly ever does. (I think one of our longest fights recently was Christmas but it ended in both of us feeling bad about it and we went to sleep sorry but not fighting.)
So the tl;dr version is that my BPD symptoms are worse than I thought. I start therapy the first week of January and I also have a follow-up with my psychiatrist...s. I apparently have a small team or something. In any case, my goal right now is to enjoy my New Year's with my fiance. My second goal is to get a letter from my therapist and/or psychiatrist saying that I can't live with people so that my school will let me out of the housing agreement and I can get my own place. I can't stay at the dorms anymore. Especially not the freshman we're-all-monkeys-and-can't-use-an-elevator-without-breaking-it-repeatedly 17 going on 12 year olds.
Also I got a haircut and the end.
+ Eden.
I came home for winter break about a month ago; despite being an adult, I'm not yet very independent from my parents emotionally or financially, so I haven't been able to spend a break with my Rae yet. But I'm hoping to take her on a trip for spring break. c: We'll see. In any case, I hadn't been home for very long when I learned that, actually, I'm somewhat of a horrible person. Which explains why my sister never talks to me.
She told me about many, many fights, which my parents corroborated, in which I called her and/or my parents horrible names, I screamed at them, I snapped at them, I was a rude little snot at best and a demon at worst. And the best part is that I don't remember any of these. I felt terrible, naturally, and when I tried to pull my dad aside and apologize for telling him I never wanted to come home again after graduation (I'd never say that...) I broke down pretty badly.
Only a little bit after that, I had a bad day and Rae caught the brunt of it in an argument that stemmed from a miscommunication. It didn't last long, though. Luckily it hardly ever does. (I think one of our longest fights recently was Christmas but it ended in both of us feeling bad about it and we went to sleep sorry but not fighting.)
So the tl;dr version is that my BPD symptoms are worse than I thought. I start therapy the first week of January and I also have a follow-up with my psychiatrist...s. I apparently have a small team or something. In any case, my goal right now is to enjoy my New Year's with my fiance. My second goal is to get a letter from my therapist and/or psychiatrist saying that I can't live with people so that my school will let me out of the housing agreement and I can get my own place. I can't stay at the dorms anymore. Especially not the freshman we're-all-monkeys-and-can't-use-an-elevator-without-breaking-it-repeatedly 17 going on 12 year olds.
Also I got a haircut and the end.
+ Eden.
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