On the Borderline - Life With BPD: Well dang. Also, pills!

Well dang. Also, pills!

I write this whole post on how I'm still around and then I disappear for... six months. Cos I'm awesome like that.

Since this blog is mostly about BPD, that's what I'll focus on here.

It's been a fun ride... note the sarcasm. A lot of misunderstandings, a lot of blaming others (by 'others' I mean 'Rae') for things that were, in recent retrospect, all my fault. Some new medication; Clonazepam for anti-anxiety (makes me feel drunk if I talk 1mg at a time instead of half or a quarter), Adderall XR for ADD (made me sick as fuck, body finally adjusting), Geodon for anti-psychoticies (took it once and had to stop due to crippling depression and being unable to stop crying and reminiscing about inconsequential past events that may or may not have happened)...

Someone stole some of my medication and I don't know who, but that's really Not Cool. I know that what I take is more like a recreational drug for college kids, or whatever, but I actually DO need this stuff. At this point I need the Adderall just to get out of bed in the morning; the Clonazepam is optional but the only thing that calms me down in a panic ohgodwhatiftheskyfalls situation... I blamed a friend for taking them and now I can't get over the guilt, having confronted her and becoming convinced that it was not, in fact, her. Again, cos I am awesome and blame friends for shit.

I'm ultra-hypersensitive to medication, it seems. My new doc (super cool older guy that comes to the college once a week) says it makes it much harder to find meds that'll work without making me super sick, and now we're down to two choices: Zyprexa and Lithium. I see him next week to get put on one of them. Zyprexa is in the same category as Geodon, Abilify, and Seroquel (SO not good for me), and can cause a LOT of weight gain (a bit of a phobia for me-- not a few pounds, but he mentioned as much as an uncontrollable 20-50 or more; so, NO THANKS); Lithium gave my friend permanent hand tremors, but is best for people who have trouble with medicine; hypersensitive or weak stomachs (I have both issues). So I guess I'll do my research and see what I should do.

If anyone's still reading this... any suggestions?


+ Eden.

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