On the Borderline - Life With BPD

Feel free to scroll down to the end for a summary.

So I feel.... awesome. (Note the sarcasm.) I've been crying, I feel trapped and suffocated, I'm playing with daydreams of suicide and self-mutilation again. I'm tired of Lamictal and doctors and workbooks that offer suggestions such as "buy a CD of bird sounds and light pretty candles!"

I prefer drawing dead birds and burning things.

I made the mistake of reading about horrific child-crimes in China- there's been a wave of crazy people murdering elementary schoolers while they're in class, or hacking children to death with meat cleavers- and it reminded me that I hate people. No wonder I'm a shut-in, for every nice stranger I meet there's a creepy stalker (of which I've had more than my fair share), a spoiled brat teenager, a stereotype...

One of my friends is driving me nuts, I can't decide if I love my parents or I want to run away, money troubles are stressing me out, I juuust came out of a made-up reality bubble I built oh so carefully as a child and I've been thrust unwillingly, kicking and screaming, into a horrible "real world" against my will by well-meaning therapists and medications.

The Lamictal, which I thought was my wonder-drug, seems to just be masking my actual anger under the pretense of getting rid of "irrational mood swings" and it seems to be taking away my ability to be myself or stand up for myself when my parents, who I know love me very much, irritate me or treat me like a five-year-old.

I'm too scared to tell them I started smoking (as I've mentioned 13432 times already on here). I feel like they make too many of my decisions, despite my being 21. They tell me I'm just rebelling or trying to spite them whenever I'm in a bad mood or do something they don't like, like when I was planning to move in with my girlfriend this year (which fell through because of changing school plans and money issues) or to stay in a hotel because her parents refused to let me stay in any of their spare rooms.

I want to go see my girlfriend again for our anniversary (only 6 months, but it feels like it's been so much longer) and instead of being happy that I'm so excited about it, they think it's too soon for a second visit (a month later, and the only time I can see her before college), or start in on how I need to earn money for books and art supplies and don't have much room for plane tickets. And on and on...

I know other people are worse off than I am, I really do. But I can't feel guilty or unreasonable when I realize that it's MY life and it's affecting ME.

I used to draw and paint and make jewelry and write stories and poetry. Now I sit in my room and cry and avoid people.

It's this place I guess. I live in a huge city but there's nothing to do without money and I hate the people around here. I was so, so happy when I was with my girlfriend and her friends, or even just by myself there while everyone was busy. I got back here and within two days was back to my depressed self. Now that I've had a taste of real happiness, the pure, unadulterated LIFE IS AMAZING feeling, I can't be satisfied with settling for "not as depressed as usual."

tl;dr: I am depressed.

When I was in high school, I had to take summer classes to make up for classes replaced by art during the regular school year (due to an art magnet program). One summer I took World History Honors. As a project, I wrote a report on Miyamoto Musashi. Born into a samurai family, Musashi would dedicate his life to mastering a unique swordfighting style and would become one of- if not the- best warriors in history. He fought in 6 battles, 2 of them the bloodiest in Japanese history- the battle at Osaka, and the battle of Sekigahara. He fought and won 60 duels and never lost; losing meant death in those days. He died at 63 (I believe) of stomach cancer and produced one of the greatest works in history- the Book of Five Rings. It is a bible for businessmen and every day life, being used in all aspects of daily life now that the age of the warrior is over.

I was watching a documentary with my parents, a 2 hour special called "Samurai" on the History channel. I expected it to be a history on the warriors, not a spiritually enlightening journey as Mark Dacascos, a martial artist and host of Iron Chef America, follows the life and journey of Musashi himself- from his birthplace, his greatest duels, his battles, and finally, where he died.

What you have to understand is that Musashi was not just a swordsman. His book was written as a sort of compilation of everything he had learned; a lesson on life, so to speak. It was written as a way to live; not for killing, but for honing the mind, disciplining oneself, and overcoming all obstacles.

Watching this and remembering not only what I had learned before but also recognizing places I had been to and remembering what I had experienced, I realized a lot about myself as a person.

I truly have a long journey ahead of me to become what I want to become. it is not a discouraging thought, but an empowering one. I have so much to look forward to, so much untapped potential. What I lack is self-discipline. I lack confidence. I lack mental clarity.

I can start to just go on about my faults, but that would just be me complaining again. I must learn to focus not on my faults, but how to improve them. I've been wrong all along- admitting one's faults is more detrimental to my own well-being, instead of being the first step to my own spiritual and mental growth.

For most people, it would be different. For most people, they are already well on their way to maturity; many people my age are already set in life. But I am not most people.

BPD does not define me. I am not my disorder; I am not my symptoms, nor am I my faults. But I DO have this. I DO have to learn to live with it and control it, and not let it control me. I DO have to take control of my own actions and learn how to have a healthy mind.

It will be difficult, I think. Not just because of BPD, but because many of the learned behaviors will be hard to unlearn and be replaced. For example, how to console myself and not seek a fix from others. How to think clearly and not make impulsive decisions. How to regulate my emotions, rationalize, and not be oversensitive and easily hurt. How to know when someone is joking or meaning one thing without taking it as a different, hurtful meaning.

And the two biggest things:

I have to draw and write, every day, ignoring my limitations until I overcome them.

And I have to take Rae to Japan with me.


Eden.

Needy tonight. Like I'm empty but overflowing and need someone to hold me together. My girlfriend finally was able to get a job after months of trying and she began today; she has to get up at 5am or so and I just want to wake her up so she can talk to me. I did already but made her go back to sleep.

I can't sleep. My room is hot and cold, my hands feel sticky (pet peeve). I'm thirsty and couldn't stop eating all day, trying to fill the emptiness. No wonder I've gained weight lately. I'm still underweight but feel fat, which is a new feeling for me.

I want my girlfriend's attention but I know she NEEDS sleep. She needs this job.

The nagging thoughts are back, 'stupid girl, kill yourself, she's too good for you,' yadda yadda. Whatever, thoughts.

-sigh- I don't like this.

Lately I've been obsessing over this and another (unrelated) forum. I don't get much human contact anymore and if I do in person I freak out nowadays. No wonder I'm so alone... especially since both forums can't constantly be updating. (other) People have lives.

I've been having odd thoughts lately, which make sense to me but all at the same time I know are strange.

Some are influenced by things happening or read or heard- like when I was re-reading the Battle Royale manga and had to stop because I was scared shitless that someone was trying to kill me.

Others are passing thoughts I grab onto, sometimes caused by tricks of the light... like on my swing in front of the lake, facing the sunrise, I've been watching the sun melt into the lake. It's real to me, it makes sense, it's a reality... but at the same time I can tell it's not normal.

Something that bothers me is when I grab a word I hear or think, sometimes a sentence, and count the words, strokes (to write it), rearrange the letters into patterns, add punctuation and spaces to add characters if I don't like the number it equals (I have a phobia of six)... it's exhausting and drives me NUTS. It's worse than counting steps when I walk, distributing the steps equally between left and right unless I'm mad at one.

Lately I have been hearing a thought. It's not quite mine, since I think in abstract (unless I'm fixating on a word and picking it apart, repeating it, making it into patterns in my head). Well, it's more a group of thoughts.

Useless girl, worthless girl, stupid girl, wasting everyone's time, why are you bothering, be silent, you're embarrassing yourself, just die, kill yourself, your words are useless, stop hurting Rae, you're getting FAT, stop eating so much... (I'm underweight as it is.)

Or the scariest, "There will be retribution."

If I do anything to my Rae that starts the words, like a sharp comment or a BPD moment that makes her worry, or forgetting something important- lately it's been reading comics while she's talking and not noticing when she speaks- then it's "there will be retribution. Punishment. She should leave you, she's too good to you, don't deserve it stupid girl, punishment."

I will make myself refuse food. I will give myself a headache. Make myself sick. Plan to hurt myself (but i promised Rae I wouldn't, so I don't, despite the voice turning into a RAGING screaming).

I've been getting an awful lot of headaches lately, from the screaming.


Eden.

It's early, but my lovely insomniac Rae is already asleep. Just a quick nap, we said, and then we can spend more time together. It's all through Skype, long-distance pain and longing and missing, but worth every pixel. But this post is not about her (for now). It is, as usual, about Me. You see, I need to clarify a few things.

1. According to Borderlines and "Nons" I have met online, Borderlines are more often than not cruel and uncaring. We manipulate to our own ends, and we like it. Most are abusive on the outside. In my case, I have always been a meek, kind, friendly Me, prone to turning my anger inward at myself. It was not until my therapist pointed this last fact out that I have started snapping at people. And yes, I am manipulative. I can make anyone love me, want to be my friend, do anything for me. The only times that I have consciously gone out of my way not to do so has been with my Rae- and I do indeed consider her Mine. Mine to love, cherish, treat like a queen. I don't have much practice in actually honestly loving someone, though I have believed myself to be in love before, but I like to think I am learning. At first, I showed my affection through care packages and letters. Now I am learning to be kind through actions, words, questions about her day and how she feels instead of just talking about me all the time. Speaking of which...

2. We are, generally, terribly selfish. Deeply so. In fact, I spend most of my time talking about myself, my problems, my worries and depression and illness, and even complaining that all I do is whine about myself- I honestly do not know how or WHY Rae tolerates this as much as she does. We did get into an argument about it yesterday (or was it the day before?) but I am working on being less self-centered.

3. I am a fake. A fraud. I have no history of trauma or abuse. I never had much reason to cut myself, except that I felt empty and invisible and nonexistent as far back as I can remember. I have the emotional age of a toddler. Why, I may never know. Maybe someday. But I do know that compared to most people with BPD- even compared with my Rae- I am an impostor of the worst kind.

4. I seem to be doing much worse, much too quickly. In the span of a month- no, maybe only a couple of weeks- I have been having terrible mood swings, irritability, aggression, delusions, temporary psychotic breaks, triggers to cut and hurt myself, suicidal thoughts and urges... I may be a fake, but my disease is not.

Can a fake with a real problem ever be normalized?



Eden.

I have really never been reacted to in a negative way, or at least not hostile- not for being gay, and not for BPD. Until recently. I belong to a support forum where a rather nasty poster who hates us all because of her one ex decided to bash us instead of seeking much-needed THERAPY.

I am not happy.


Eden

A bit like a bitch today. I don't care about most people. I don't. I just want what I want, when I want it, and what does it matter to me if someone gets cast aside? Keep up or GTFO.

At the same time, people who say something like "I wish I had your disorder" (a narcissist personality referring to DID) can go fucking die in a fire. Slowly. And alone.

Dr. Q gave me a low dose of Abilify (to cut down) and started me on Lamictal- 2 weeks 25mg, 2 weeks 50mg, and then on to 100mg. I was informed that DBT was a good idea, and that I should never have children because of the high risk of postpartum depression. While he thinks I would do well in DBT, my therapist has no idea what it is, has barely heard of it, and told me I'm not really fully borderline and that I should to go DBT.

Mood: Conflicted.


Also bought this workbook; will look through it and start on it soon.



Eden.

Although Dr. W doesn't seem to know much about DBT, I asked her if she'd refer me and she agreed to. There is a place about 45 minutes away that offers it. Far, yes, but not too expensive.

I've agreed, also, to stay with Dr. Q temporarily. On a trial basis, as it were. I am changing medicines and ending the Abilify. I am hoping for Lamictal, a mood stabilizer that seems to have the shortest list of side effects. (They aren't very serious, either.) Compared to Risperdal and Geodon, this seems more effective for mood stabilizing. Seeing as it is a mood stabilizer and not another anti-psychotic.

Oh shit Dr. Q is TODAY... ugh. Better take a clonazopam. Crazy fucking shrink.

....Excuse my French.



Eden.

Am I here? Do I exist? I don't think I do, right now. Rae is gone for the weekend, I'm home alone, nobody's online. I have just enough presence to realize I'm hungry and to type about it.

I am floating in nothing with an imaginary body in an imaginary world. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. Nothing is eal nothign si real nothing is real

At least I imagined a perfect girlfriend.




Eden?

Dear ****,

I keep having a ton of dreams where we fight. Like, really, really go at it. After about two solid weeks of this I need to email you.

I really miss you and I am so, so proud of all the work you've been doing! We saw your portfolio and Mami sometimes shows me photos you text her (can you text them to me too?) and they look amazing!

To be honest, I'm scared about a lot of things lately. It turns out my disorder makes me seem like a bad person. And it gets much, much worse before it gets better. Most people never 'recover.' It causes a lot of problems.

Please read this over when you get the chance: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/health/16brod.html?_r=2&em

I'd send you a book but you're waaay too busy to read it.

BPD means I'm emotionally unstable all the time. I'm dependent on people. I have no sense of self (when I'm alone I don't exist). I start fights because I don't want you to abandon me, so I'd rather shove you away before you can do it to me. I think I did a damn good job, wouldn't you agree? We hardly ever talk at all and I know it's more than half my fault.

I try to text you more often but it's too late- you're too busy with school and I'm not as important anymore. You call mami and daddy and they never tell me, so I never get to talk to you on the phone. I miss you so much...

I'm getting a lot of therapy. I'm becoming someone you would really like. I wish I'd gotten it earlier so this wouldn't have happened.

I love you.



Eden.

Eden hasn't updated in a few days, so I figured I'd speak up for her. A lot has been going on recently - bouts of depression, anger, worthlessness - the typical mood swings for her lately. I've been doing my best to help her feel like she's not just complaining all the time and to help her see that I genuinely want to know what's going on, even if it comes out as "whining."

She went back to 1mg of Abilify today, thankfully. She seemed to be much better. She drew something and crafted a few things. We had an overall good day today. She's having a little trouble right now though. Apparently her mood swings are getting pretty bad and she's having a hard time being around her family. She's watching 2012 with them (so jealous. x_x) and helping with dinner. I love that her family is so involved in her life. She really has an amazing support system at home, even if her parents don't always pay attention or understand what she's trying to tell them. They love her almost as much as I do, which says something because I can't breathe without the girl.

Anyways, I'm hoping for an improvement soon. Maybe decreasing the Abilify again will make things a little better for her. We're super anxious about finding out if she's going to college this month (SCAD, by the way. My baby's brilliant). She said if she doesn't go, she'll come visit me! :D I am happy with either one because both are beneficial to her well-being. Though, I admit, I'm a titch selfish and want her to come up here, but I really won't complain if she can't. Education should be the main priority for both of us. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

And I don't mean any awareness days here. Today I had an interesting situation when in a sudden burst of clarity, I was able to see just how sick I am, how serious my BPD is compared to what I thought it was. It scared me so bad that I immediately fogged back up to "maybe nothing's wrong me me lalala."

I don't think I'm in denial. I mean, I could be, I can't be 100% certain I'm not, but I admit there is a problem and that it isn't trivial. But part of me- a bigger part- says that maybe it'll just go away. It whispers that I don't belong on medication as strong as Abilify. It hisses that I'm an idiot for thinking of inpatient hospitals. It purrs that I'm fine.

It lies.


Eden.

I learned that BPD causes instability with hobbies, plans, and activities as well as with people. This explains my 999,999,999 abandoned projects; my excitement at the beginning of something and my consequent disinterest. I have so many comics I want to do... as an artist, drawing is my life. I cannot get better if I keep having periods where I give up ideas and practice...

I'm scared shitless.


Eden.

According to Psychology Today, there are several types of Non-BPs, or those without Borderline Personality Disorder that interact with Borderlines: the Non-reactive Non-BP, who isn't drawn into the "chaos of the disorder," and the Reactive Non-BP, who engages BPD behavior in the Borderline...

This often throws the person off-center, and promotes a kind of parallel emotional dysregulation within them. The Reactive relationship style breaks down into two distinct sub-styles; transpersonal, or the trans-Borderline, and counter-personal, or the counter-Borderline.

The trans-Borderline is an individual who engages the Borderline character, and is drawn only to the chaos of the disorder itself. Rather, than being directly affected, s/he is more apt to stay focused on "cleaning up" after the Borderline personality. This is something akin to the "caretaker/enabler" role found in alcoholic relationships. In both cases, this person is characteristically co-dependent, or set up to be co-dependent in that relationship. S/he acts as enabler, or agent, or both.

The counter-Borderline, on the other hand, not only reacts to and integrates the Borderline style, but "reflects" it, as well. This individual is the most negatively affected by his/her relationship to the Borderline personality. Very often, this person will begin to behave in a manner very similar to a person with a Borderline personality. This type of relationship is very treacherous and, when talking about chaotic relationships with Borderline personalities, this is the sort of situation to which most people are referring. This type of relationship often leaves the Non-BP questioning his/her own sanity, and the "emotional hangover" of such a relationship can take a considerable amount of time from which to recover.

So now that Oph- sorry, Emily is here, Rae has more than enough to worry about; she has to deal with her usual problems (worse than mine) and now also care for a 7-year-old child. Emily's been coloring and playing online Nick Jr. games for a while. I wish Rae were here. I miss her, I'm not attached to the child yet. I just feel depressed and angry and I can't draw at all today, which makes me want to scream and cry. I'm a horrible girlfriend and an even worse friend, at least today.

I have to be stronger; stop complaining all the time. Rae has enough problems without me forcing mine onto her. I suppose that's what a blog is for.


Eden.

It was Rae and my 3 month anniversary yesterday. Our official one anyway; we've been unofficially together for about 7 months now. We had a bad day but it wasn't either of our faults- she had a manic episode and I was depressed because of medication issues.

Today I got a bit of a shock; imagine my surprise when Rae gave way to a 7-year-old! I named her Ophelia (she doesn't like that name). She's sweet enough, she was scared of me at first. I don't know how long she's been in there but it explains why Rae's been extra sensitive lately, according to Laia.

In any case, I'm bracing myself and getting ready to talk to the girl the next time she comes out.

Meanwhile, I'm not sure how my dose issue is going... Dr. Q ran out of 2mg samples and they cost $445 for 30 pills. Just... no. So my dad used his magical math powers to cut 5mgs into 2mg pills. After Dr. Q gives me enough for a few months I'm switching to a new psychiatrist. Dr. W gave me a name, I'll check him out. He works with children and lectures, she said, but he listens.

I've been moodier than usual; I'm hungry all. the. time; my dad told me to eat fruit since I'm so scared to gain too much weight. I pick fights more easily and I'm both clingier and more abrasive. I feel smothered more easily. I really, really hope I can go to college next month- we'll find out in a week.


Eden.

Found on this blog. Excerpts:

Usually I am given one "difficult" client to work with as case manager. But we've been short-staffed, so I have seven clients in all, and even though most of them are Level 3, which means they need to be seen only once a month and function relatively independently, I am kept more busy by case management than by what I came to do. Today I met with a client new to me, a young woman whose primary diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder. Look it up. Borderlines are the clients who make therapists roll their eyes and shiver. In sum, they feel that they have no existence unless someone is paying attention to them, so they demand an extraordinary amount of time and focus, requiring the therapist or anyone else who deals with them to be strongly vigilant about boundaries. If I didn't have six other clients I would be more eager to deal with Sally. It's hard to love a borderline because they take so much out of you, but right now I am still able to see how much in pain and doubt she is every day of her life and to feel for her.

Also:

Some weeks ago I said that it had been helpful for me to hear from my mentor that you can deal better with people diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder (I refuse to capitalize "disorder") if you think of them as four-years-old. That was seen as insulting to some people. I believe, however, that people like Sally suffer from being emotionally arrested at about age four. Often, they are unable to really sustain being alone, and have an exaggerated sense of being alone and abandoned, as they are likely to have been as children. As a woman, Sally is certainly intelligent, presents herself well, is attractive, and is much more capable of sustaining herself independently than are most of our clients. But she has enormous emotional needs that can never be completely fulfilled. I don't know how much positive effect I can have with her, but I am glad to be given another chance at it. I like her, and care about her, whether she believes that or not.

Well, as insulting as it is, I truly DO believe that I am emotionally stunted. How unnerving to hear it from a counselor's point of view!


Eden.

♥ First of all, thank you Rae for your post! I love you! ♥

Second of all, the point of this post: Holding Down a Job. It is well known among the mental health professionals and BPD sufferers that Borderlines cannot hold down a regular job. I'm honestly not sure of the statistics but mood swings, anxiety attacks, bouts of psychosis, and too many "mental health days" often get people let go- or they quit for arbitrary reasons. "The boss looked at me weird," "I think my coworkers don't like me," "I'm too depressed to go in and work every day," and so on.

In my case, I work from home, and for my father. And YES, it's a Real Job, and Hard Work- I work in pricing, web content, blogging, some SEO (amateurish but effective as of yet), and so on. I get paid pretty well for someone who lives at home and never goes out. But if it weren't for my boss being my dad, I would have long since been fired.

x I work strange hours; sometimes less than the minimum, sometimes double it.
x I don't always do my work on time.
x I take too many mental health days.
x I don't go into the office (my dad always brought home my paycheck until we started direct deposit last week).

So my point is, yes, it can be hard to hold a stable job- hence why I never tried to get another job. Also I have a fear of people but that's a different post.


Eden.

I think it's time I say something. First off, my name is Rae. Eden is my wonderful, amazing girlfriend whom I love very much. And yes...she has BPD. It causes a lot of things to happen inside her head that I don't fully understand all the time and I can be insensitive and uncooperative when she needs me to be the exact opposite. Especially lately. We're quite a pair...she has BPD and I have DID, both severe personality disorders. But somehow we manage to make things work wonderfully. Usually.

Over the 7 months that I have known her, Eden has never had a very stable sense of self or demeanor. She fluctuates constantly between emotions and takes on life and she's dependent on her parents and me. I don't see it as a huge problem because she's just now learning how to be her own independent person, but she's right...it's not the healthiest thing for her. She tells me a lot that she's afraid of rejection and abandonment, especially from me. Some people would call it controlling, but I don't see it that way. I see it as her opening up to me and trying to help me understand a little of what's going on in that head of hers; especially since I would never do either of those things to her.

Sometimes she snaps at me, sometimes I'm a "mean horrible person". Sometimes we simply misunderstand each other and fight for like 20 minutes. But don't get me wrong. It's not like that all the time. In fact, most of the time, she is an extremely loving, sweet, and giving girlfriend. I honestly couldn't ask for a better match. I'm just as dynamic in my thinking patterns as she is and we really make an amazing team when we put our heads together.

I admit that I can be careless and sometimes downright insulting without knowing that I'm hurting her feelings or making her angry or upset. Most of the time she tells me and I apologize profusely, but I know that if I were anyone else, she wouldn't hear it. Lucky me. c:  (Not sarcasm.)

I can see that she has trouble on a day to day basis and it frightens me sometimes because she says it's getting worse and I can't help her. I'm not around enough to give her the emotional support she needs (I live in Va, she's roughly 11 hours out of my reach). I don't know how to offer advice when nothing comes out right and all I really know to do is listen and try to help her understand what's happening, even when I'm not sure what it is either. It's always stop and go, push and pull, leave - no wait. I admit it's hard on me sometimes, but I would never give up on her. I believe that she can get better; just have to find what works, first. I have faith in her and I know she's a strong enough woman to overcome this outstanding obstacle. I believe in her.

-Rae