On the Borderline - Life With BPD

So my therapy and psyche appointment was a week ago or so and I totally didn't write a report. Whoops. Not that anyone reads them. :p Basically, my therapist and I will focus on my becoming more independent, especially from my parents. I have to learn to act like an adult, take care of myself without someone helping me (reminding me to eat and shower and brush my teeth, for example.), how to work a regular job like a regular person... we'll see. I did indeed get adderall, and my Lamictal is now on 100mg a day- I think that was my old dose too. So we'll see how that goes.

Things at the house are just... within about 3 days they've fallen apart. I don't think I can tell any details, just in case. But D was spreading rumors, S- who I pretty much thought was a nutcase and refused to hang out with- is actually really awesome and we've been talking to her for more than 6 hours at a time for the past two or three days. The landlords have also been telling her lies about us, and they've lied about her too. They claimed we tricked them into letting us take the dog home with us at night, and that we never told them they would be taking care of him while Rae was gone. They told S that we basically dumped him at their place. But the agreement was that they'd take him because I have classes and a full workload. I have literally zero time to take care of a big dog.

Meanwhile, we were going to move in with them, and so was S (who they said to us wouldn't be allowed in the house because of her craziness), but it turns out the house is infested with fleas, roaches, and worms (of the doggy kind), and that since the dogs use the bathroom in the house whenever they feel like it the house is pretty much unfit for anyone to live in. S was staying in our room there while there was drama here, and she woke up with her sinuses on fire because of the smell and ammonia in the air from the dog urine. On top of that the landlords told her we couldn't have the dog anymore, and then told us we would. So S and Rae are trying to find somewhere else to go, I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm terrified of Saturday (but wanting to just enjoy my time with my parents while I can), and just... Augh.

Now, I read tarot. So far I haven't been wrong once. Well, it turns out S reads cards too- it's been in her family for over 600 years- and she gave me a reading. It was way more accurate and detailed than any tarot reading could ever be and it was pretty scary. Basically, it said that I would tell my parents that Rae and I are engaged, they'd take it badly and probably stop talking to me for a while, but that ultimately she and I WILL be married and as soon as I tell my parents everything will go very well.

And it took a while but I've planned to tell them on the 12th. My birthday is on the 11th and they want to drive up and take me out for dinner. Then they want to spend all of the 12th with me. I want to just enjoy my birthday and have an amazing time with them Saturday in case they DO stop talking to me. Then I'll tell them Saturday night (with Rae with me, I pray) and that way they can have time to think it over and talk to each other and hopefully talk to me before they leave on Sunday.

In any case I haven't stopped crying in a long time because I'm terrified. But when I put it down on paper, it's not the end of the world- just one more bump in the road of life. So we'll see what happens.

I'm still upset enough that I skipped my classes today. I also feel sick and it's raining outside.

(Scroll down for the tl;dr version, since I'm about to vomit up some long shit tonight. And I might also mean that literally.)

Today was the nerve-wracking first visit with my new therapist, B. By 'today' I mean it's 3:30am and I can't sleep, and since I need to turn my light on to do any of my homework and don't want to wake Rae up (as I have repeatedly done already while trying to cuddle... sorry sweetie! :c ) I figured, 'blogging time.' Well, that and I am super nauseous and don't want to use up any more of my limited Primperan supply.

So yes. Therapy no. the First. If you can get past that, you can read on to the super exciting miscellany! Hooray!

Well, first off I admit that my terrible nausea is most likely not a byproduct of the therapy session, which began sometime around 9am and ended a little over an hour later. You know how you go to an hour of therapy and they always, always manage to make it last 45 minutes? B seems pretty young and perhaps hasn't learned that little secret yet,for which I am grateful. Admittedly it could also have been because I took an Adderall about 45 minutes before I went to see her and I was, as is the case when I'm on that stuff, literally talking her ear off. Seriously, I caught her trying to tape it back on.

3:33am... I'm giving up on sleep now. After 3am my body just doesn't get any rest and sleeping would literally cause me to be sick and drowsy all day no matter HOW much Adderall I put in my poor abused belly.

ANYway (as you can see, the effect wore off long ago), the session went... very well. I said before that she seems very young and inexperienced but at the same time she helped me out more in that hour than all my other therapists did over several sessions.

B pretty much just let me run loose in terms of conversation and we touched upon my confusion issues (she doesn't know what it is but it happened twice while I was in there), as well as my splitting people black, mood swings (both triggered by outside events and non), identity issues, what I want out of therapy (I think I probably said 'no more mood swings')...

I don't think I mentioned this in any earlier posts, maybe I did, but my sister and my parents revealed that I have a tendency to fly into rages, call them names, threaten to leave and never come back, tell them I hate them, snap at them... the best part is that I HAD NO IDEA. Ayep- some weird form of amnesia, I guess? Or I get so angry that I explode and block it out. So we talked about how that's bad, and she told me something totally obvious that had never occurred to me or anyone else before, at least not in those words:

"What am I feeling right now?"

When I wake up in the morning, I ask myself what I am feeling, and take steps to avoid triggering a 'bad day'- if I am irritable, don't force myself to be social. If I am happy, by all means, make plans and get things done. If I am sad, take steps to withdraw from other people and coddle myself (and cry to Rae, of course) until I feel better. Don't make the mood worse by giving into it- say, if I am feeling terribly self-harmful, don't look at triggering material or listen to trigger-songs (of which I have far too many to count), don't let myself wander into the sharps section of the art store when I'm getting supplies, etcetera. Likewise, if I'm super manic, I should probably avoid shopping altogether, as my last paycheck was far less than I anticipated. But (as usual) I digress.

The biggest thing we touched on- or rather, what took over the session and ended up causing us to go over the time limit- was my issues with leading a double life for my family's sake.

It's no secret to friends ad a few family members on both sides that Rae and I are engaged. Rae's entire family knows we are dating, I have traveled up north to her hometown with her for weeks on end and met everyone, and they all seem to like me pretty well.

My parents, sister, two or three close cousins, one aunt, and one uncle on my side know I have a girlfriend. My cousin M found out because she is pretty much my long-distance best friend. My cousin E found out because my sister and cousin A told her, and THEY know because I told them before my parents made me promise not to tell anyone. I told my uncle because he's gay himself and my aunt knows because she got drunk and asked me outright, gave me a huge hug, and likely forgot all about it.

It's a very big problem, for me, not to be able to tell my family about Rae. I can't describe how big, or why, in words; though I got close until I started crying (how embarrassing- crying on my first appointment!).

In any case, that went well... and then was the psychiatric evaluation. I thought I did that already, but apparently not? Or something? So I spoke to Dr. S, another youngish guy but one that definitely seemed to know what he was doing. He said he'd like for me to give the Lamictal another shot, since it worked before. And then, as troubles arose, we would adjust the doses or find something else. He did seem to think the Adderall was fine for me to keep taking; this is good news, since I've heard the stories- they won't give college kids Adderall in case they're just looking for a high or want to sell them. I did learn they go for minimum $4 a pill, but honestly I need it more than the druggie freshmen do, so I'm keeping it, thanks.

And that was my meeting. It was when I got home, before Rae went to work, that the nausea hit. I still insist that it was the super intense therapies. And it could have been (that whole subject, about my double life, needs its own post and I always get sick after talking about it). Either that or the Adderall I took this morning- after not taking it for over a month- isn't sitting well in my stomach. Especially since it's the first thing I 'ate' all day. Adderall and weak chai, extra sugar. It also probably didn't help that I downed a large cup of coffee, courtesy of Rae's landlord. It had an assload of sugar in it too. And then I didn't eat anything else until around 5ish when I made some ramen with curry.

But like I said. Intense therapies.

tl;dr version: It's 4am, I'm nauseous and can't sleep. Therapist says be more self-aware. Head doc says Lamictal and Adderall. The miscellany stuff I promised earlier is next post. Which I will start now.


+Eden.

I haven't posted in this blog in a long while, this must end.

In any case, a lot has happened since my last post... (Scroll down for tl;dr version!)

1. I was finally able to get a psychiatric evaluation yesterday. I made the appointment a month and a half ago for two weeks ago, but they lost (!) my appointment and weren't able to fit me in until yesterday, mostly due to my class schedule (all over the place!). It's also kind of far, requiring a long bus trip and a bit of a walk to get there, but I made it happen. I thought the appointment was at 10am, so I woke up at dawn to be able to get there by 9am. When I finally got there, after having to ask directions, I looked at my appointment card... 11am. Eden was not happy. Eden sat outside smoking her Camel menthol and talking with a 54-year-old man for half an hour. It was surprisingly interesting, as long as I ignored his feeble but not-creepy advances. We talked about how Rae is the most gorgeous creature alive. I can talk about THAT for hours!

After waiting, I was finally in. After I realized it was only an intake I admit I got pretty upset- I had been hoping to see a psychiatrist for some adderall because my focus has been shot for months. Do you know the feeling you get when you're paying close attention to your professor's lecture or demo, and then blink and realize you've missed everything they've said because you got lost in your own world? Yeah, it's jarring and upsetting after a while. We covered my suicidal thoughts, often overwhelming urges to SI, my delusional thought process, my ADD symptoms, my OCD symptoms, depression, manias, rape nightmares, everything. There were two funny parts- when he had to list all the medications I've been on and decided to just write "See List" to save time, for example, as well as the cardinal that kept trying to peck his way into the window for the entire hour I was there. (Rae thinks he might have been rabid. I believe it.)

SO anyway, the intake guy agreed that I need to see a doctor right away. But even after he spoke with the receptionist, the earliest I could get in was in a month- and by then I'd be done with this quarter and probably with Rae's family for Thanksgiving or back home with mine for Christmas. HOWEVER, I got lucky and they told me to wait until 1pm to see if the doctor could fit me in.

So Eden had another smoke break. This time with a successful 27-year-old restaurant owner currently in detox. (Good for him!) And more talking about Rae, of course.

Back into the counseling building. After a while I did, indeed, get in to see the doctor. I spoke with him for a while (I speak softly and he's hard of hearing but it went well). He immediately prescribed me some adderall and sent me on my way.

I'll pass over the next few hours, which basically entailed me trying to get the prescription filled in three different places. Apparently some counseling places won't fill narcotics prescriptions if you're over 18, how inconvenient. I even got The Talk from the doctor about how I need to be careful with college students stealing my adderall but since I don't have a history of drug abuse I was cleared.

I got back just long enough to register for next quarter a few hours late (we have time tickets, I don't know how it works in other schools). Then eventually I made it back to my dorm for good- at around 5:30-6pm. Needless to say I missed a make-up class but I'll talk about that guy later.

This morning is my first try with the adderall. It may just be a placebo effect but I'm already feeling pretty good. For the first time since I moved here, I climbed up 4 flights of stairs and didn't even want to count the steps- when I tried to I didn't get far. I feel pretty clear-headed and as you can tell, I've even been able to write this long post, only pausing one time to check e-mail. Normally I'd take an hour to write my old, short posts, so I'm pretty hopeful. I've also sent two important emails instead of getting distracted by Facebook or anything else. Today I have a ton of homework and I'm sure I'll be able to get it done for once!

Eden is pleased.

(If this post is way too boring and someone's managed to read it this far, let me know please! XD )

Moving on...

2. Rae has moved down to live near me, and as soon as I'm able to move out of the dorm we will be able to get our own place (looking at Spring). Obviously I am very excited about this and I can't wait for it to happen! I had a college friend of mine tell me just a few days ago that she really admires "how slow" Rae and I are taking our relationship. I suppose compared to many, we seem to be taking our time- but in what we call "our time," we're not moving fast enough! Although BPDers tend to jump into a relationship, make it passionate and intense, and then burn out quickly and move on, I am definitely committed to this for good. I just wish we could be together now, but I suppose I can be patient until then. Good things come to those who hurry it up and Spring is as soon as it can be done. She's found a job and has another one lined up, so money isn't as much of an issue anymore. And her grades are pretty good now so she should be able to transfer to a nearby college in Winter or Spring. -excited-

TL;DR VERSION:

I'm on Adderall. Rae is living nearby and we're moving in together soon.

Thanks for reading!!


+ Eden

Dr. Q gave me a low dose of Abilify (to cut down) and started me on Lamictal- 2 weeks 25mg, 2 weeks 50mg, and then on to 100mg. I was informed that DBT was a good idea, and that I should never have children because of the high risk of postpartum depression. While he thinks I would do well in DBT, my therapist has no idea what it is, has barely heard of it, and told me I'm not really fully borderline and that I should to go DBT.

Mood: Conflicted.


Also bought this workbook; will look through it and start on it soon.



Eden.

Although Dr. W doesn't seem to know much about DBT, I asked her if she'd refer me and she agreed to. There is a place about 45 minutes away that offers it. Far, yes, but not too expensive.

I've agreed, also, to stay with Dr. Q temporarily. On a trial basis, as it were. I am changing medicines and ending the Abilify. I am hoping for Lamictal, a mood stabilizer that seems to have the shortest list of side effects. (They aren't very serious, either.) Compared to Risperdal and Geodon, this seems more effective for mood stabilizing. Seeing as it is a mood stabilizer and not another anti-psychotic.

Oh shit Dr. Q is TODAY... ugh. Better take a clonazopam. Crazy fucking shrink.

....Excuse my French.



Eden.

Today went about as I expected. Dr. W came in later than usual but I had a list. (This is the perfect thing for therapy- make a list about what you want to cover in that session!!) I told her about the fiasco with Dr. Q (detailed below); about the friction burns- she was unhappy about that but didn't freak out at me; I told her about the possibility of college in 4 weeks instead of September as well. She says college would be the perfect way for me to gain a sense of self, something I am severely lacking, as well as independence (also a struggle).

She did give me a handout for an interesting mood regulation strategy where you tap yourself.  I'll share that when I figure it out.

This is the latest Dr. Q story:

I was put on an antipsychotic, Abilify, to rule out the possibility of psychosis or anything more severe than BPD being wrong with me. Soon after I started on 1mg (the usual starting dose is 5mg) I was so jittery I was literally either jumping around like an epileptic squirrel on crack or staring at walls for several hours at a time. I was lowered to .5mg soon afterward. It helped my anxiety, and I stopped thinking I had multiple personalities (this due to severe mood swings and lack of self-identity).

I started hearing voices and music, which can be a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (temporary break from reality or psychosis). I was kept on the Abilify.

Well, when I went back to see Dr. Q, I told him I felt better and he gave me two boxes of 2mg and 4-5 boxes of 5mg "in case I wanted a higher dose." (Isn't HE the doctor?) He told me to cut the 2mg in half and take 1mg a day, and then he told me that when I ran out or wanted a higher dose, to cut the 5mg into fourths and take 1.25mg. Well, guess what pills are too small to be cut into fourths? So guess what dosage I'm forced to take?

I ran out of halves of 2mg pills and braced myself for the jump from 1mg to 2.5mg by taking 2mg for three days.

Everyone with me so far?

Now, the 2.5mg doesn't sit well with me. I'm pretty much a functioning wreck of a human being. So we called and asked Dr. Q to call in a prescription for 2mg. We'll see how that goes.

I hate when he tricks me into medication doses. If I don't go to college next month I'm changing psychiatrist.

Much love,

Eden.